you don't need a cock to rock!

Eurgh.

2012-01-30T17:48:00.003Z

Baby elephants... they'll fix things, right?

2012-01-27T19:57:00.000Z

drinking: cheap cider from Asda! Just a 2l bottle.
listening to: Tura Satana - Unclean
choice lyrics: "Your sweet voice is awfully nice / but I can see your poisoned tongue and twisted words / that lie to me / I'm not blind, not yours, will never be / You're not blind, not mine, will always be"

Seems my fretting over the appointment today wasn't unjustified. The social worker who 'assessed' me on Monday says she spoke with the Community Mental Health Team and they all feel that I don't actually need to see them. That's right. She's going to see me twice more, but what I'm feeling is totally natural and is apparently because of the shite that happened last August (getting dumped, cat being run over by a Council care worker who then tried to drive off...).

I actually feel really quite insulted. My Mum gave me a lift to the clinic and picked me up afterwards, and when I told her what 'feedback' I received, she was pissed off. She said that how I've been treated is pretty much the reason why she hasn't bothered trying to get help for her own depression (which, by the way, she has a damn sight more justification for than I do - a more 'rational' depression, as it's referred to).

Mum doesn't even know the ins and outs of how crap I've been feeling. The self harm, crying myself to sleep on Christmas Day, the suicidal thoughts - she knows NOTHING of this, but even she senses that I need help.

And apparently the fact that the only other time I needed referring to the Mental Health team was 10 years ago when I was 16 and tried to overdose twice actually goes against me.

Well, apparently I coped in the meantime without having to go back, so this is obviously just a bump in the road.

No, because despite me telling her that I wanted to get help a few years ago but didn't (because Frigid Ex didn't want me to because he felt it would make him look back), she still reckons I'm not actually clinically depressed. I.e. feeling like this for no real reason. I don't think she understands that I have some of the most amazing friends that anyone could ask for. My parents have their problems, and also stress me out to no end, but I always know that literally no matter what I can always call or turn up at 2am in the morning and I'll get taken care of.

I've got a job with understanding colleagues and bosses, my own flat, my physical health... but it doesn't matter.

Eurgh.

I can't even finish this post, so I'm ending it with a clip of baby effelumps that made me smile.

The failure stains your hands

2012-01-26T23:54:00.002Z

drinking: pure, unadulterated water. Did not get booze. Thanks partly to the slippy conditions outside from the snow & slush.
listening to: Jack Off Jill - Working With Meat
choice lyrics: "We are desensitised, television does not hate me / Had hate since I was born, I hate you very much"

So tomorrow I get feedback from the Community Mental Health Team, via the social worker I saw on Monday (who, I admit, I wasn't that keen on).

I feel as though my mind is fidgeting - like I'm mentally restless - as I'm a bit worried about it. Oddly, not because I think they're going to overreact to what I've told the GP and the social worker, but that they'll say I'm attention seeking or not genuinely ill (or ill enough).

Moodwise I'm not as upbeat or even cautiously optimistic like I was the other day. Just... meh. I don't think the weather has helped with my happiness or lack thereof - cold weather. Icyness. Snow. Slush. The feeling that you're actually taking your life in your hands when you take one step outside. More so because I have to go to the clinic tomorrow.

Eurgh.

I keep fantasising about living somewhere else. It's now that I have a greater understanding and appreciation of why so many people immerse themselves so deeply into things like Second Life and the like - it seems like a fabulous means of escape; the ultimate game of 'pretend'.

I love the idea of forests... a cottage in a village. Trees, greenery and community rather than the godawful and soulless concrete jungle. Peace and contentment. Dare I say it, harmony and happiness?

Destined for spinsterhood

2012-01-25T23:27:00.003Z

So a dating site has stopped sugar coating their ads while trying to get new members -

Seriously, what the hell?!

Mood hasn't changed much. Wavered a little, and I'm getting a little anxious about my appointment on Friday but generally the same. Which is still an improvement, in a way.

Muffy, meet Adolf. Adolf, eat Muffy!

2012-01-24T22:33:00.004Z

As I'm feeling ever so slightly better than before, and even mustered the energy and motivation to get out of bed and - wait for it - move into the living room (!), I'm trying to be optimistic and take it as a sign of progress.

And how better to illustrate this...

Oh yeah, the Depressing-Busting Tiger is still small but soon it'll be ready to chase away the Big Black Dog.

Kudos to anyone who gets the title reference :)

A case of underjoyed...

2012-01-24T13:45:00.000Z

drinking: Diet Irn Bru, straight from that same 2l plastic bottle as before. Staying classy.
listening to: Jack Off Jill - Underjoyed
choice lyrics: "Drown your fears in alcohol / everybody spills and falls / choke on every dream you ever had"

I would have posted yesterday but by the time I got home I felt 'jangled' and 'jumbled up'. An analogy I used described it (not very well) as having a completed jigsaw puzzle in a box, that's then shaken up so the pieces are in total disarray.

Long story short, my GP can't change my medication until the Community Mental Health Team provide their feedback on the meeting/assessment I had with a social worker yesterday.

Afterwards I felt emotionally raped (insensitive way of describing it, I know) but it was like I'd been through the wringer and I lost the ability to express myself adequately. Having gone on my own to the centre, as soon as I got back to my parents I had to head upstairs to my bedroom (despite having a flat of my own, my bedroom has always been there for me at home) and just lie down.

The Community Mental Health Team aren't there to be your friend, or to be overly nice, so the social worker I saw wasn't one for expressing sympathy. I was completely open and honest with her, but felt I was being challenged with some of what I said. That other people have been through the same, or worse, than I have, and yet they're not feeling how I am or used alcohol to self-medicate.

She wanted me to be back to work today - which, I'm sorry, was just out of the question. She said that being back at work would give structure to my days (as I've not actually been back to the office since before New Year).

Eurgh, can't quite talk about it anymore. I have to go back and see her on Friday to get my 'feedback' and see what pills are going to get thrown at me this time. Perhaps along with how bad I can be made to feel on THIS visit.

Inane thoughts.

2012-01-23T00:47:00.001Z

Kind of tired. Got my Doctor's appointment tomorrow morning, followed by my mental health referral.

While I know this should be good and is a step towards feeling better and getting help, a part of me is a little apprehensive. And the cynical / pessimistic bit of me is saying this is just me going through the motions. I don't have highs and lows, as such. Just lows and indifference, and very occasionally something briefly lifts my spirits or makes me smile.

Anyhow, as I've been oversleeping I know I really have to get to sleep since I'll need to be up before 7:30am if I'm going to be showered, made up and travelling through to the Health Centre. I may forgo the shower and just wear a beanie hat. Will probably put on some makeup, though. And I may just wear the vest and stripey hoodie I've been wearing since Friday.

See? Indifference. When I can't even be bothered to make an effort for the folk I need to give a good impression to, even when being brutally honest with them to ensure I'm getting the right pills thrown at me.

Right, I'm going to turn off the laptop now and try to sleep. And hope I don't dream.

It's The Final Countdown

2012-01-22T18:15:00.000Z

drinking: Diet Irn Bru, straight from the 2l plastic bottle. Classy.
listening to: The Smiths - Asleep
choice lyrics: "Sing me to sleep / sing me to sleep / I don't want to wake up on my own anymore"

Below is the countdown until 14th February, aka 'HAHA! You're single and no one loves you' Day.

Yay.

C.S. - Piss Off

2012-01-20T14:47:00.003Z

Get off my blog and fucking stay off it.

And thanks for replying to my email (not just once, but TWICE!) when I specifically asked you NOT to because it would stress me out more than the whole stupid scenario already has.

And thank you SO much for apologising for the fuck up / oversight on your part with the luggage tag. Wait... there was no apology, just you turning it all around on me with the audacity to demand I delete your number and not contact you again if I can't be civil.

If I'd had any sense I'd have seen through your little games from the get go and kicked your ass out after the one night stand rather than wasted the 3+ years of my life that I did with you.

There is a very good chance that this is the depression talking rather than me, but I'm past caring.

Suitcases and self injury

2012-01-19T17:46:00.001Z

drinking: still on the dilutant juice / squash. Liver is happy, brain is not.
listening to: Fiona Apple - Window
choice lyrics: "So I had to break the window / it just had to be / Better that I break a window / than him or her, or me"

[warning: by part of the title, I'm sure some will see this could trigger].

“There is no greater sorrow than to recall happiness in times of misery”
- Dante

Today started off badly, despite my best intentions.

Bear with me for just a moment so I can fill you in on the events of Tuesday. I got a call on my phone from an unknown number, so ignored it. They left a voicemail and it transpired it was a policeman from a station regarding a suitcase that had been found in the street and had a luggage tag with my name, phone number, and and old address on it. He needed me to call them back and come collect it from the Lost Property place.

Slight problem - the suitcase belongs to ex boyfriend from 2+ years ago. The suitcase was found at the back of the street he moved to. The address on the luggage tag was for the flat we shared 2 years ago. Therefore - bugger all to do with me. And I called back and told them so, and even gave them ex's name and contact number (which I knew should still be accurate after my unwanted inclusion in a mass 'Happy New Year' text I got from him). But they called me back AGAIN about it an hour later, and I had to give the same info again but the policeman was very kind and said he'd call ex AND put a card through his door since clearly it wasn't my suitcase - nor did the 'male clothes' and Xbox inside belong to me. Needless to say, I was so stressed and wound up about it - an overreaction, but it's the kind of thing I don't need right now.

And then this morning happened. Woke up by a phone call about the suitcase. Apparently there's not much communication between those folk and clearly ex hasn't dealt with this, but because he for some fucking reason left a luggage tag on it with MY details, I'm the one who's getting called about it. AGAIN!

It's unwanted stress, I have no desire in contacting ex myself about it - because if I do then I'll be sure to unleash a torrent of abuse at him, along with 'You wouldn't let me go to the doctor's when I was depressed in case it reflected badly on you, and now I'm ill again and you're STILL managing to fuck up my recovery'.

I was so stressed out and so SO angry, that I posted on Facebook about it, asking for volunteers to contact him instead about it so I get left alone.

So stressed out and so angry that I was sitting cutting myself with a razor. The first time since November that I've deliberately hurt myself. And in the middle of doing that, the post came.

With a Get Well card from my office.

And a book about a girl who challenges life to prove to her that it's worth living or she'll end it all.

Good timing, or perverse?

I can't decide, and I'm not one for coincidences.

It all sounds like mud to me...

2012-01-18T22:04:00.001Z

drinking: cherry & mixed berry squash. This isn't nearly as exciting as when I was boozing, is it?
listening to: Tapping The Vein - Beautiful
choice lyrics: "No, I don't hear what I'm hearing / fear, you are my new best friend / 'Cause these wicked boys brought their pieces and their itchy fingers / and the panic crawls into my throat / 'Cause I turn my head / and they're looking at me"

Another day gone, another day off work and nothing to show for it - apart from a big pot of pasta I made earlier with the idea that it'd do for my breakfast, lunch & dinner for the next 2 or 3 days. My bed is my safety zone; my Mattress of Solitude. And so I want to make it as simple as possible for myself to remain fed but while spending as little time away from said mattress as I can.

I can be indecisive at the best of times, but it's annoying when you don't want to see anyone yet you feel lonely. You want to sleep so you can stop thinking, but then your dreams can be more like nightmares. You're kind of pleased to not be relying regularly on alcohol, but sometimes all you want is to stop feeling and just forget everything.

Eeeesh.

However, I feel I'm no longer indecisive over whether to text OP (yes, I heard a collective groan there - I'm talking about the Bad Boy). Partly because I know that realistically we're both too fucked up right now, even if he did reciprocate my feelings.

Another reason is because I think that I've been clinging so much to the hope that something would happen and we'd end up together, that it's become the only little ray of sunshine I feel I have sometimes; a silver lining, or light at the end of the tunnel. And I can't allow myself to have so much hope riding on something that might not happen. I can't risk the disappointment anymore.

This is what I'm just going to have to keep telling myself!

I can't say that Valentine's Day is going to be easy...

Any ideas to try to distract myself for it? Apart from not leaving the flat all day, avoiding the internet and all forms of communication so I can pretend it isn't happening? lol

Computer, counselling, crush

2012-01-17T20:27:00.003Z

drinking: back to soda water & lime. I got drunker than intended on Saturday night - Sunday wasn't at all pleasant.
listening to: The Smiths - These Things Take Time
choice lyrics: "Oh the alcoholic afternoons / we spent in your room / They meant more to me / than any, than any living thing on earth"

Braved a trip on the bus to go to my parents' today (I didn't want them to waste petrol coming to get me) to pick up the laptop that my Dad ordered for me, and which he's only making me pay half for (yay!) and it's a good job I went.

Why?

Because I found a letter from the NHS telling me that my urgent referral requested by my Dr last Monday (the 9th) had been received and I was to be seen at a clinic next Monday (the 23rd). Conveniently about an hour after my next appointment at the health centre with my Dr. It's easy enough to get to, so should be fine.

And while it's only Tuesday, and I've not gotten worse (so far... touch wood... *giggity*) I'm glad that I'm going to be seen, but also feel guilty that it's only taken 2 weeks for this referral. Guilty because one of my friends had waits of 3 to 6 months, and another friend was on a waiting list for a YEAR for a mental health referral. Not cool.

Anyway, with the new laptop I can stay in bed AND surf the interwebs properly. Boom.

And yes, I'm still missing OP a ridiculously awful amount. Although part of me is now afraid that I only miss him so much and want to see him because perhaps I have this insane notion that seeing him more will make me and everything else better.

DJ Mich's Playlist - Song 34

2012-01-14T14:35:00.002Z

drinking: No. However, as it's my pal's birthday dinner tonight I may use have a drink or two. Not my usual epic boozing, though.
listening to: The Fray - You Found Me
choice lyrics: "Where were you when everything was falling apart? / All my days spent by the telephone that never rang"

Lyrics:

I found God on the corner of First and Amistad,
where the west was all but won
All alone, smoking his last cigarette
I said, "Where you been?"
He said, "Ask anything"

Where were you
when everything was falling apart?
All my days spent by the telephone
that never rang
And all I needed was a call
that never came
From the corner of First and Amistad

Lost and insecure,
you found me, you found me
Lying on the floor,
surrounded, surrounded
Why'd you have to wait?
Where were you? Where were you?
Just a little late
you found me, you found me

In the end
everyone ends up alone
Losing her, the only one who's ever known
Who I am, who I'm not, and who I wanna be
No way to know
how long she will be next to me

Lost and insecure,
you found me, you found me
Lying on the floor,
surrounded, surrounded
Why'd you have to wait?
Where were you? Where were you?
Just a little late
you found me, you found me

Early morning, city breaks
I've been calling
for years and years and years and years
And you never left me no messages
you never send me no letters
You got some kind of nerve
taking all our love

Lost and insecure
you found me, you found me
Lying on the floor
Where were you? Where were you?

Lost and insecure,
you found me, you found me
Lying on the floor,
surrounded, surrounded
Why'd you have to wait?
Where were you? Where were you?
Just a little late
you found me, you found me

Why'd you have to wait
to find me, to find me?

And if you ever need self-validation...

2012-01-13T13:49:00.000Z

drinking: white grape, cranberry & raspberry Schloer. Would be brilliant with vodka.
listening to: The Smiths - I Want The One I Can't Have
choice lyrics: "On the day that your mentality / catches up with your biology / I want the one I can't have / and it's driving me mad / It's all over, all over my face"

I decided last night that I was giving myself a set amount of time for things to get better, to 'snap out of it'. Once the date comes, I'm either going to beg or demand I get stronger medication or be taken away to get drugged up to my eyeballs on a regular basis.

Drastic, yes. And one should never try to make demands or bargain with God or Karma or the Universe, but I'm at the point where I'm too damn tired.

My Mum and I have the view (I'd rather not say 'belief', as we know rather than we believe) that the lives we live, the families that we're born into, are ones that WE choose depending on what kind of experiences we want to have, all for spiritual advancement. Reincarnation, basically.

Although perhaps that's just something to try and cushion the blow if you're living a miserable existence. By telling yourself that it's for a reason, it's meant to be this way, it's for the greater good...

I'm not quite sure anymore.

Although I'm slightly ashamed to admit that I wish my Mum hadn't passed on the genetic predisposition for mental illness to me. I've already told her I don't want to have children myself as I wouldn't dream of passing anything on - as in cases it does certainly appear to be hereditary. I just wonder if she caught on to the silent suggestion that I sometimes feel she was selfish for doing so anyway.

I'm sick, still sick, my heart is sick

2012-01-12T23:48:00.002Z

drinking: Apple & Mango j2o. You read that right, folks. Still off the booze, although it's becoming slightly more difficult.
listening to: My Ruin - Heartsick
choice lyrics: "God, are you listening? I hear you in my room / hot as the moon on the tenth day of June / There's no sleeping for me, I'm losing my faith / love is not safe in a world filled with hate"

I had actually retired to my bed for the night at about 7:30pm. Tried watching a DVD, but got distracted so turned it off, then spent the next couple of hours trying to will myself to get sleepy while browsing the internet on my mobile.

Then for some reason I started to feel upset so came into the living room and switched on the computer, so I could do some 'proper' 'net surfing.

My office manager texted me today to let me know she got my sick line from the Doctor through the post, and was unbelievably kind and wanted to know that I was alright and if I needed her to come through to drop off food for me. I thanked and reassured her by saying that I'd been at my parents' the past few days and had been sufficiently overfed ('Irish portions', you understand) and that I had food here anyway.
And then one of the work colleagues texted afterwards to check I was alright and that I've got get better soon. Although my office manager had been in touch previously, that was the first time that any of my other work friends / colleagues bothered to get in touch.

I would have stayed at my parents' for longer but my Dad has a knack for stressing me and my Mum out, usually within 2 minutes of entering the room. And I just couldn't hack it another day - I was there to try to relax and start getting better, not get wound up and feel worse.

So I feel guilty about that, but it's the truth so what can I do?

Since last week, though, my constant companion has been my cuddly toy, Shep. I've had him since I was about 3, and I took him with me to my parents' at the weekend, and with me in my bag to my Doctor's appointment on Monday. If I've not been falling asleep clutching him to my chest all night, then I have him on the pillow next to me - like the ultimate comfort / anti-anxiety blanket.

Shep
- dispenser of cuddles and probably now composed of about 15% salt from tears shed over the years

Since I have nothing and no one else it's what I have to settle for lol

Still sober, still not sleeping properly

2012-01-08T13:00:00.000Z

drinking: soda water and lime. Yep, the sobriety continues...
listening to: Green Day - Brain Stew
choice lyrics: "I'm having trouble trying to sleep / I'm counting sheep but running out / As time ticks by, and still I try / no rest for cross stops in my mind / On my own, here we go"

The thing I've noticed so far about not drinking, is that although I feel like shit and am unhappy, it's not really any more so than when I was boozing to forget or to stop feeling feelings. Waking up sober or without a hangover is a new one, as well. Still, I reckon escapism from your mind is easier when you're drunk.

Continuing in the vein of escapism, I've decided that I really do need another holiday. Or a lottery win so I can swan around my dream destinations to my heart's content.

I have, in fact, put on a few lottery tickets for the next couple of weeks. Well you never know. Actually I DO know but there's still that vain hope that perhaps something good will happen (in more ways than one).

I've got my Doctor's appointment tomorrow and haven't actually been back to work yet. Will probably end up going through to my parents' later today so I'm closer to the health centre.

Think I'll go back to bed now, actually.

Enjoy your Sunday, troops!

January, you start the year off fine...

2012-01-07T18:42:00.000Z

drinking: Nope, just some fruit squash. All will be explained below...
listening to: Manic Street Preachers - You Stole The Sun From My Heart
choice lyrics: "You have broken through my armour / and I don't have an answer, I love you all the same / I paint the things I want to see / but it don't come easy, I love you all the same"

Sorry for the absence, folks. What with the ol' depression rearing it's ugly head again, a holiday to Benidorm I was reluctant to go on but turns out did me a lot of good, returning to work, then Xmas and New Year... I was a bit all over the place.

And, to be fair, I had nothing exciting or particularly happy to blog about. Apart from the holiday, I suppose. Definitely needed the break away and it was the most relaxed I'd been in months. Enjoyed it and in fact miss the place so much that I'm actually pricing the costs of going back.

Just need someone to go with. You guys know what I'm like. I get a notion for something then lose interest or get sidetracked.

Other updates? That I can at least share with the general unsuspecting public, at any rate:

1. Still pining for the Bad Boy aka the Object of my Lust. Yes, it's nearly 2 years since we first slept together, a few weeks/months after which I decided that just having sex wasn't enough and I actually wanted him.
My texts had been getting ignored, I was dingied in public (although he said he didn't see me *shrugs*) and I gave him a piece of my mind. Via text. Well, several pieces, really. I probably shouldn't have done so whilst drunk, but what the hell.
Well after that, and after getting well and truly plastered, and being a bit mopey on holiday about him (and telling my Mum about it... oh God, I was drunk most of my time in Benidorm. Viva la All Inclusive Hotel!), I texted him at New Year asking if he'd be open to accepting an apology and new year, new start etc.

He did send back a reply not long after but it's nothing I want to get into here just now. Anyway, I still haven't seen him although he was meant to come over and the other couple of texts I sent haven't had replies. He's having a rough time at the moment though, so I won't hold it against him. But long story short, he's too fucked up to get into a relationship. Which I can understand, because I can't say I'm in any fit state to justify pursuing one.

Oy vey.

2. I've stopped drinking. For now.
Seriously. The last alcoholic beverage to pass these lips was on the 30th of December. That's right, I had a SOBER HOGMANAY.

I know, I didn't think that would ever happen either. Pigs must have flown that night.

I think I'm partly doing it for the shock value, but also because I was just blacking out a lot quicker than usual. And I had a couple of really atrocious hangovers, which just put me off the mere idea of alcohol. With any luck I'll also save some money, and perhaps some weight. But we'll see how long it lasts.

Miss P and I are in it together, in a sense. But to make it less difficult to stick to, we're allowing ourselves maybe 2 or 3 days a month where we CAN drink. Knowing me, if I said 'oh we can drink on weekends' then that'll be me on a 48 hour bender every week. But it's been a week for me so far, and while I've had the occasional moan about wanting a drink, I've not acted on it.

3. I got a Twitter.
Yup. I know. Shock-a-roonie number two! Haven't even had it a month and already have 300+ tweets about shite lol

Anyway, I hope you all had a good Christmas and New Year. And if not, then just remember that THIIIIINNNNGGGSSS CAN ONLY GET BETTTEEEERRRRRRR etc. :)

Oi, you - Glitter Tits

2011-12-03T16:01:00.000Z

drinking: Strongbow cider. Probably going to move onto the vodka shortly, or break into the cider advent calendar. Yep, I made another one.
listening to: Jack Off Jill - Strawberry Gashes
choice lyrics: "I lay quiet waiting for her voice to say / 'some things you lose / and some things you just give away'"

Advent Calendar 2011. With 100% more glitter on the cans (in more ways than one)!

I haven't really anything to say. I have plenty I think, but nothing I wish to say (or type) out loud. Not at the moment, anyhow.

I made my advent calendar, and managed to get glitter all over my boobs. Same again the next day when I was finishing it off. I have no idea how I managed it, but it will take a few days until it's all washed off.

It kept me amused a couple of days whenever I looked down, at least!

What We All Want and What We All Crave

2011-11-21T20:46:00.000Z

drinking: halfway through a 3l bottle of Tesco Dry Cider. 15 units in the bottle, so tanking it as fast as I can. Fuck the calories, it was £3.49 and I'm skint.
listening to: Amy MacDonald - Poison Prince
choice lyrics: "Who said life was easy? / Who said life was fair? / Who said nobody gived a damn and nobody even cared?"

Getting a bit sick of being okay one day and then an utter mess the next. Crying myself to sleep and clutching my cuddly toy one night, and the next just feeling okay enough to have him sitting on the pillow next to me, then falling asleep without throwing wads of tear-soaked tissues over to the 'plastic-bag-bin' every few minutes.

It's a horrible thing to have such a loathing and distrust towards your own mind. I spent the majority of the weekend prone on my couch watching various TV episodes via my broadband, and while today I was in a rut, by the end of the shift I was poking people's arms with the 'angel wand' that was part of my Hallowe'en costume (it was from Poundland, and apparently angels have wands).

Miss P and I are meant to be seeing our old flatmate A and her boyfriend tomorrow night. And I'm just praying that I can handle it or that I won't have been messed up by another shite day at work.

Apart from alienating my friends, family and co-workers, I'm also reacting badly to perceived rejections from OP aka le Bad Boy. Little wonder, to be honest, but rather than just contacting him and saying outright 'wtf, you said you were coming over?' I sent some drunken shite the next day saying I hoped he was okay and nothing else bad had happened and I was still adjusting to my meds and had become distrustful and antisocial.

Eurgh.

And I still haven't had a reply, by the way.

Don't particularly blame him. The fucked-up-ness is becoming slowly more and more apparent and unpredictable. And that's WITH me hiding the majority of it all lol

And although I'm cheery just now and singing along to tunes, I know by the time I go to bed slightly sobered up (damn effects of cider never last, I just pee it all out like a racehorse), all I'm going to want is hugs.

I know, I know... I really need to get a Doctor's appointment. I think part of me is slightly concerned in case I go in, speak to my Doctor, then have to call the office to say "ummm hi... I can't come in now. They're fitting me for one of those really cute white backwards jumpers that let me hug myself..."

While I wish I had something else... something PHYSICAL, like Diabetes, instead of this... part of me wonders if I'd be more or less appealing to my friends. Would I have as many friends? Would I have more?

At the moment, the off-licence will be closing in just over an hour. Do I stay here, contentedly cheery with what I've had, or will I go down and get more cheap booze?

... I don't know yet. I still have an hour to decide whether I should get presentable and venture outside...

Better Now! Wait... False Alarm.

2011-11-18T18:50:00.002Z

drinking: yes, red wine. I wish I'd never told anyone about 'No Booze November', because when they ask about it all I can do is say 'I lasted nearly 6 days, then got really upset. I can't cope with things like other people can'.
listening to: Fiona Apple - Paper Bag
choice lyrics: "'Cause I know I'm a mess he don't wanna clean up / I got to fold 'cause these hands are too shaky to hold"

Sometimes it feels like you're one step forward, then shoved two steps back with enough force to knock you on your arse.

With an audience watching. Even though really it's only you that knows about it, although perhaps others have picked up on something that's caused you to be gloomy. Or quite different from how you'd been the day before.

It just keeps reminding me of a quote I once heard, that immediately struck a chord with me:

"Hope in reality is the worst of all evils because it prolongs the torment of man."
- Neitzsche

Funny, for a couple of days there I thought I was getting better... lol

You Are My Weakness, You May Be My Downfall

2011-11-12T11:42:00.000Z

drinking: cheap Tesco Value gin and Fanta Zero. Breakfast, you understand.
listening to: Tapping The Vein - Broken
choice lyrics: "So just leave me here / with my tortured heart / or stay and watch as I cut it out"

For the past few weeks, my sleep has been fitful and my dreams vivid.

This morning, after somehow managing to get back to sleep at about 6am after waking up at 3:30am, I dreamt I was in Glastonbury with a friend. Except, it didn't look anything like Glastonbury but it didn't matter because it was beautiful and so peaceful - the streets were cobbled and slightly winding, the shops were quaint and almost rustic. There was a stall where you could sample sweet roasted tomatoes, jalapenos, shallots...

My friend DT told me excitedly that we'd be going to see Miss Smidge, because she lived here in the town. And although I was totally aware that I was dreaming, I just went along with it because it was absolutely correct that Miss Smidge doesn't live in Glasgow. I couldn't at that point remember she actually lived in Edinburgh, so accepted she was in Glastonbury and followed DT through the busy but cheery main street to find Miss Smidge's house or apartment.

I can't remember much of the time we spent with Miss Smidge, but I sadly told the girls that I had to leave as my holiday was over and I had to go home. So I took my bags and boarded the bus, which took me through the kind of narrow, winding streets you'd expect to find in a Mediterranean town. I was on the top deck of this open-top bus, and it was as if I was on a rollercoaster, suddenly twisting and turning down a narrow and complicated stairwell/road. And - as I knew I was only dreaming - I wondered what would happen if I decided that I didn't want to leave this peaceful place.

I've never been able to dream lucidly, to my misfortune, as there have been many vivid and disturbing dreams that otherwise could have been avoided. And sure enough, the corkscrew track I was on began to take me upwards, back towards the roughly-hewn archway that I'd just exited through... and after a false alarm of missing it completely, I ended up back through it.

Except now apparently weeks or even months had passed. Everything was still essentially the same, but I didn't know where DT was and couldn't remember where Miss Smidge lived. But I just kept walking the route I knew, past the stores and the stalls, and noticed a rather witchy/otherworldly woman with long blonde-grey hair leaving a stairway. It was quite narrow, but once I got to the landing, I was careful how to turn because of my bulky bags. There were 'alternative' and somewhat mystical things on the walls, on racks - fragile angel shapes made from feathers, prints of Goddesses, candles of different size and colours...

I'd put my bags on the floor as I was the only one there, and was trying to take it all in, when the same woman I saw came back and slightly admonished me for leaving my bags where I had, and instead tucked them behind the door so no unsuspecting person could trip over them.

She spoke to me, and then suddenly another woman with shorter, curly brown hair appeared, speaking over me and saying with a mixture of knowing and delight, 'so she finally came, then'. And as I turned to question her, she busied herself by looking at a bookcase I hadn't noticed before, and was pulling out various volumes whilst the other woman took me by the shoulders to turn me to her, and move me towards a circular table.

She was making statements to me, rather than asking me questions. The other woman occasionally handed her another book open at a certain page, making out as if it had been prophesised that I would turn up there one day. But it was all wrong, she was trying to tell me things that I knew weren't true - she was stating 'your father, he is an Aries' and I was getting a bit uptight and replying with utter certainty, 'no, he was born in June, his starsign is Cancer'. And neither of them could accept this. [this makes me tempted to ask my Mum what starsign her ex-husband was, as I have his surname].

Then I don't really remember too much about what happened after that. All I know is that it turned into a bit of a bad dream.

Except, the name I got or 'saw' for the witchy-woman was Bathsheba. And I found a wikipedia article about a Bathsheba here, but I still don't understand whatever my mind or the Universe was trying to tell me.

On an unrelated note, I did some shitty drawings.

Do Third World Countries Need Anti-Depressants?

2011-11-09T19:30:00.002Z

drinking: yes. Mouthful of vodka, then a swig of tonic water. Once known as 'Megahy-style', many moons ago after an acquaintance of an ex best friend.
listening to: Hole - Northern Star
choice lyrics: "Even though I'm wide awake, I will / and blackest night and I'll wait for you / It's cold in here, there's no one left / and I wait for you / And no one stops it's happening / and I knew, I'd cherish all my misery alone"

Today I'm trying to put things into perspective.

I have a job. I have a flat. I have people who care about me. A friend of one colleague's husband was killed from their home country for participating in protests. A friend's sibling died of a genetic illness recently, and they had their whole life ahead of them and seemed to have brought nothing but joy into the lives of those who knew them. I have a mother, father and brother who love me.

Yet I can't help feeling as though none of this matters. Everything good, everything that makes sense is kind of out the window. I can't stop myself from thinking certain things, and focusing on them. Not nice things. And I am not going to be able to afford enough alcohol to last me until payday as I try to blot out these things.

See my Doctor? Pah, I tried calling this morning, begging for an appointment with ANYONE and was told to call back tomorrow at 08:00. At this stage, I'll even see the stupid cunt who missed me having tonsillitis as a 1 year old then ended up getting rushed to hospital. One of these fucking fannies.

Fucking First World Problems.

'No Booze November' Lasted About 5.5 Days

2011-11-06T00:30:00.001Z

drinking: Not anymore. The alcohol is gone and my brother is silent after my pleas for him to have more delivered to me.
listening to: The Donnas - Fall Behind Me
choice lyrics: "How long is she gonna be around? / How long do we have to watch her dumb it down? / 'Cause when it's cheap it fades fast / and how long does she think it's gonna last?"

Don't go looking at ex's Facebook profiles. That's when you'll see that, although for 6 months he doesn't put a peep on Facebook about the two of you being in a relationship, or give any evidence that he's told his friends or family about you, he's all of a sudden telling all and fucking sundry that he's now seeing someone else.

I've only got 1 and a bit beers left (that's all I had here) and 3 fucking cigarettes, and it's too late to go to the off-licence and I'm not in much of a state to get ready and go into town to any of the clubs or places that are open til 3am to get hammered. Begging my brother to see if there's any booze in my parents' house and asking one of my parents to drive over with it.

Unbelievably angry and hurt.

Now no beer left and 2 cigarettes.

So many vengeful thoughts going around in my head. Anything I do will make me seem like a psycho. Was he wanting to be with her when he was with me? What the hell was I? Something to pass the time?!

Literally within about a week or 2 of me asking if he'd like for us to see each other exclusively, he'd asked me what my thoughts had been about children. The first time I joked that I couldn't eat a whole one and he laughed. Then he brought it up again a week or two later and I admitted that I quite liked them but did not want to have any myself, for various reasons. And he agreed that he'd felt the same.

To some people, discussing thoughts on having children so early on is a bit weird - perhaps should even start alarm bells ringing, as it's an indicator they're already looking to the future, and how you could possibly feature in it.

If he'd never asked me this, perhaps I wouldn't be so fucked up. I was led to believe we were both in it for the long haul.

I want him to feel even just half of how I have felt. I want him to be hurt. I want him to be betrayed. I want her to hurt him as much as he's hurt me.

My being in bed with another guy within hours of him dumping me is on a whole different level to him doing this.

And to think that only a few days ago, I had been asking - practically begging one of our mutual Facebook friends (who only added me because he saw I was a mutual friend - to promise me that he would make an effort to go and see him because I knew it would make him happy!!

Turns out he's happy enough.

DJ Mich's Playlist - Song 33

2011-11-04T22:00:00.001Z

drinking: No... day 4 of 'No Booze November'. And by God, it's boring. Although makes me feel ever so slightly smug...
listening to: The Cardigans - My Favourite Game
choice lyrics: "I've tried but you're still the same / I'm losing my baby / you're losing a saviour and a saint"

Lyrics:

I don't know what you're looking for
you haven't found it, baby, that's for sure
You rip me up, you spread me all around
in the dust of a deed of time

And this is not a case of lust, you see
it's not a matter of you versus me
It's fine the way you want me on your own
but in the end it's always me alone

And I'm losing my favourite game
you're losing your mind again
I'm losing my baby
losing my favourite game

I only know what I've been working for
another you so I could love you more
I really thought that I could take you there
but my experiment is not getting us anywhere

I had a vision I could turn you right
a stupid mission and a lethal fight
I should have seen it when my hope was new
my heart is black and my body is blue

And I'm losing my favourite game
you're losing your mind again
I'm losing my favourite game
you're losing your mind again
I'm losing my baby
losing my favourite game

I'm losing my favourite game
you're losing your mind again
I've tried but you're still the same
I'm losing my baby
you're losing a saviour and a saint

'No Booze November'

2011-11-02T21:51:00.000Z

drinking: no... *head desk*
listening to: Garbage - #1 Crush
choice lyrics: "I will lie for you / beg and steal for you / I will crawl on hands and knees until you see / you're just like me"

I know. Whatever I was thinking, I had clearly taken leave of my senses. I decided to challenge myself and lay off alcohol for the month of November. It's day 2 and already I'm excitedly wondering what drink I should have to celebrate once it's all over. Something fancy, perhaps. Or just a plain ol' bottle of vodka. Plenty of time to decide... *sobs quietly*

Why I am doing it? Well, partly to save some money. Partly to see if I lose any weight. And partly to show that I can.

My only worry is that something happens that stresses me the fuck out or upsets me, and then I don't have my usual coping mechanism. Here's hoping it's a walk in the park, though... *delusional*

How I'm trying to deter myself from drinking the 2 beers in my fridge

To be honest, it's been a good start so far. The last time I did something similar to this was when I quit boozing for a week, and for the first 44 hours I couldn't sleep. Was hallucinating as well. That was interesting!

Anyhow... I'm sure you'll all be pleased to hear that Fun Fright-Day in work went down well - alas, no pictures (I was running around like a blue-arsed fly... or, rather, a stressed-out angel). However, my colleagues in the office decided that mine had been the best Fun Friday held so far, and as such I was presented with the little trophy:

I know. Bitchin', right?! And check out the calendar - Happy Pumpkin lives on! :)

And yes, that mug is one that I won in a raffle for a McMillan Coffee morning we had a fortnight previously. Boom!

News-wise, what else has been happening. Hmm. Nothing, really. Have had radio silence from the Bad Boy, which is to be expected I suppose. But I found out something else that happened to him as well and that's made me want to see him even more, and not just for sexy times and eurgh.

So rather than give him space, like a nice normal person, I decide to draw him a picture and send it to him.

I am such a fanny.

Mich: Hallowe'en Fun Co-ordinator

2011-10-26T23:18:00.002+01:00

drinking: vodka and cranberry juice... Desperados...
listening to: The Nightmare Before Christmas - Sally's Song
choice lyrics: "The worst is just around the bend / and does he notice my feelings for him / And will he see how much he means to me / I think it's not to be"

Once a month in my office, we've started having 'Fun Fridays'. Usually it's the 3rd Friday of the month, because we (my team, the underappreciated admin monkeys) are always ridiculously busy at the end of the month. Different people in the office have taken turns at arranging the Fun Fridays, and so far we've had a Grease theme, an Ibiza theme, and one day where we all had to bring in pictures of ourselves as toddlers or children so that the others could try and guess who was who. That was fun, actually. Here's mine:

It's okay, you can laugh. Six years old and the picture of innocence... lol

Anyhow, this month it was basically decided for me that I was in charge of the next Fun Friday. Which, rather than being last week like I wanted (some people were moaning about not having costumes hired until closer to Hallowe'en iteself... *curses under breath and questions how much work they actually do considering their salary*) it's going to be this Friday. Hallowe'en themed, naturally, and renamed 'Fun FRIGHT-day'. Clever, huh? I can't take credit, it's one of the other girls who came up with it - who has volunteered to help me. How sweet! Even though she's not really a fan of Hallowe'en.

So today after work I went to Poundland and to Tesco to get some Hallowe'en paper plates and napkins (on Fun Fridays we usually order a few pizzas from Domino's), some spooky deely-boppers for anyone that doesn't dress up, and sweeties and chocolate. I'm also planning on making some things tomorrow night to take in. Hopefully without anything turning out badly or poisoning anyone.

I was really hoping this would be cheering me up but it doesn't seem to be. Not even compiling a quiz for my colleagues on Friday. Hallowe'en / spooky themed, of course. Unfortunately it seems to include questions about some scary films - and one or two folk have been rather vocal about hating those kind of movies. Aye, if it was about a shitty reality show with perma-tanned skanks I bet you'd be well up for it... *grumbles to self*

hehehe

Anyhoo, I still haven't quite decided what to dress up as for Friday. My options are limited, but I think something I picked up at Poundland earlier has pretty much decided for me what my costume is going to be.

Any of you lot dressing up for Hallowe'en? And if not, why not?!

Oh I just remembered my favourite ever costume. I was in one of my pub haunts (lol) a couple of years ago and a guy walked in wearing a white sheet. I thought 'okay, last minute costume. He's a ghost. Whatever'.

Then I saw the cardboard mask he was wearing. Yep, Patrick Swayze. He'd died the month before.

Too soon?

Sad Times and Selfish Grief

2011-10-20T19:07:00.000+01:00

drinking: All hail cheap Lidl 'Rachmaninoff' Vodka! Not much left, but I'm chasing it with diet lemonade.
listening to: The Smiths - How Soon Is Now?
choice lyrics: "You shut your mouth, how can you say / I go about things the wrong way / I am human and I need to be loved / just like everybody else does"

Well, further to my last post, astrology did not get me laid. Not a peep, text-wise.

I was a bit disappointed but I understood, because the Bad Boy had a lot of personal things going on, family-wise (very sick sibling). And then on Saturday, I got a bit concerned so decided to go onto Facebook (gah! Social networking almost feels like a necessary evil these days) and find his sibling's profile. I was greeted with nothing but 'RIP... miss you' and 'You were such an inspiration... party up in heaven!' and the like. And I couldn't believe it. I knew the sibling was ill and that the prospects really weren't looking good, but it was still a bit of a shock.

Needless to say, I texted him to explain how I'd found out and how sorry I was and say not to hesitate to call or text if there was anything I could do, or if he needed to use my flat to 'hide' from the world.

I still haven't heard from him but I sent a condolence card on behalf of me and my Mum and Dad to his flat yesterday for him and his family (and later that morning I found out it was the day of the funeral) including a note inside for him. Pretty much reiterating the same thing as my text, and saying my parents were asking after him and his family, and making really shit jokes suggesting things I would do to help him (make cookies, dye my hair the colour of his favourite football team) to try and cover my lack of social interactive skills, and admitting this.

So... yeah. I was a bit low over it. I have absolutely no right to be, as I only met his sibling once but I think as my defences were already a little precarious (I haven't been sleeping well at all, stress at work...), it briefly tipped me over the edge, so to speak. And I seem to occasionally 'tap in' to other people's feelings. Sympathy pains and the like.

So the Bad Boy at least knows I'm here if I'm needed. And not just for sexual gratification.

I hope to God that everyone else is having a better time of things. Sorry this isn't a fabulously cheery post.

Astrology Better Get Me Laid Tonight

2011-10-09T22:19:00.001+01:00

drinking: yes. Finishing off my Smirnoff vodka (I know, I spoiled myself by trading up from the usual Glen's). And chasing it with shots of Raspberryade.
listening to: Nine Inch Nails - Closer
choice lyrics: "(Help me) You tear down my reason / (Help me) It's your sex I can smell / (Help me) You make me perfect / help me become somebody else"

Well, no more sexy times were had this week :(

[Note: Bad Boy came over on Sunday night after I told him I wanted to do things and to bring his camera. Alas, he forgot the camera - which I'm fairly certain he was annoyed about, considering I answered the door wearing stockings and suspenders. I know, I know - I'm awesome girlfriend material, but the cunts I fall for don't seem to realise it.]

Yet watching porn and having 'personal time' didn't really eradicate my urges in the slightest and just made me worse. (I was NOT impressed with the 11 minute public threesome video I was promised, that turned out to be 5 minutes of them looking furtively around before actually engaging in anything. And even then, it just turned out to be goddamn oral!)

For feck's sake.

I've also begun to have messed-up vivid dreams again - some haven't been too bad but this morning's was just awful. And made me sad that I didn't have anyone I could roll over to and hug to make me feel better.

Hence why the vodka is here. I prefer it when I haven't got feelings. Or remember that I'm stumbling to bed alone.

I'm not sure if the Universe quite understands that... if I am getting laid regularly, then I will be happy. If I am happy, it means I will not be a stressed-out, customer-hating worker. I will be laidback and content. Universe, do you want my colleagues to suffer my grumpyness? Well, do you?!

Interesting development! While cheering myself up by browsing the various sections of the awesome memebase, I moved onto the awesome Texts From Last Night site. This submission jumped out in particular:

(813): My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars

An urgent sense of curiosity had me Googling my own horoscope. And, sure enough:

"You're feeling a bit randy today, so grab someone and batten down for a cold night. But keep your clothing on -- see how far you can go fully clad. It's like recreating that high school make-out intensity: over the pants, under the shirt. Totally hot!"

This is what I currently have drafted to the Bad Boy (yes, he got his nickname back although for how long... hmm who knows):

"My horoscope says I should have sex tonight. If you don't come over it may ruin the planetary alignments and upset the constellations. And I checked, your horoscope says pretty much the same but to let me do what I want to you. :D x"

And, before any wild accusations surface (!), I wasn't lying:

"You're always in control when it comes to matters of sex -- tonight, let go of the reins. Instead, allow your partner to row the boat while you go along for the ride. If you're uncomfortable, be honest. Otherwise, it's full speed ahead."

Mich: airing her dirty thoughts on Blogger for all and sundry since 2009.

Who has now finished the vodka and the off-licence is closed. Motherfucker.

Hmm I dunno, I quite like the second last option as well... lol :P

Classy Drunk Only When Supervised

2011-10-04T19:27:00.000+01:00

drinking: just a glass of red wine for now. If I get moody later then yes, I may drink the rest of the carton.
listening to: The Hellacopters - Carry Me Home
choice lyrics: "A habit hard to break / take me home, Good Lord, for Heaven's sake / I know the doctor's not in / got no cure for the medicine"

Coming to on Sunday, I realised that recently I've been a bit of a transport tramp.

Why, you ask?

Well, on the first trip to Edinburgh that Miss P and I took in August, we both got off with a rickshaw driver that got us from wherever we were to the train station. He was good looking. Nice bum, too. He preferred Miss P though - he kissed her twice.

Last month, after a night out with Miss P again, I ended up getting off with our taxi driver who dropped each of us at our prospective residences. Who, I admit, tried to invite himself in to my flat for half an hour, to which I retorted 'Only half an hour?' then left while he was calling out the taxi window 'An hour! I meant an hour!'. He wasn't really my type anyway so no harm done (and I'm still not sure if I actually paid that taxi fare...)

And on Saturday, after having a few drinks (in VERY quick succession) with my adopted Da', I woke up on the bus. Didn't recognise anywhere, and I knew I was on one of the buses that would get me home. I asked the driver where we were, and well... we were at the end of the line, basically.

Oh dear.

Thankfully, it's one of the buses that has a short rest at the terminal then turns around and does the same journey in reverse. So I waited on the bus and the driver was a nice chap and even gave me a cigarette, so we were both sitting at the doors of the bus smoking and talking. Don't ask me what I was talking about. I don't know. I do remember, however, getting off at the correct stop (yay! Made it home... despite the detour), and slipping him my telephone number. I couldn't even tell you what he looked like.

WHY DO I DO THESE THINGS?!

Don't Start What You Can't Finish

2011-09-24T08:41:00.001+01:00

drinking: Corona. Don't worry, I'll break out the Skittles vodka shortly.
listening to: The Donnas - Rock 'n' Roll Machine
choice lyrics: "It's a Saturday night / and I'm lookin' for some party action / I don't care about gettin' laid / I want some quick and easy satisfaction"

I have to admit, I had a draft of this written before which I thought had been saved anyway to my computer when my internet suddenly cut off (fuck you, 3).

Alas, it was not. So you will (I hope) forgive me if I miss out any of the witticisms or details of my most recent experience of a so-called man who cannot finish what he starts.

--

It was the other week when Miss P and I went out for drinks and for dinner, and her lovely friend the buxom Miss C joined us. A delightful surprise as we all get on well and Miss C is pretty much as dirty minded as I am. Some time afterwards we ended up meeting Miss C's boyfriend and his friend so we could continue our drinking. We found a pub that was still open (thank you, pub radar) and stayed there for a few.

Miss C's boyfriend (henceforth named Mr C) and his pal were both as merry as we were, and Mr C's pal (henceforth named Chopin) was sitting with legs slightly open with one foot up on a stool right in front of Miss C and I when we noticed that the seams of his trousers near the crotch region were burst. So Miss C and I began to tease him about it and poke our fingers through the fabric holes, telling him to learn to sew or keep his legs closed.

The pub soon closed and Chopin graciously invited us all back to his flat along the road where he had a little alcohol left. There was much laughing and banter, Mr C left to go find a 24 hour shop to purchase cigarettes and, for whatever reason, Chopin, Miss C and I ran to Chopin's bedroom, jumped on the bed and were just laughing and giggling. Miss P was left on her lonesome in the living room with, what I recall, was some lesbian porn playing on the TV (not her bag at all). So we decided to head back in.

So up we all got, kind of in a line with Miss C at the front, Chopin in the middle, and myself at the end. Miss C headed out first, and as soon as she was in the hallway, Chopin quickly closed the door, turned round, and pretty much grabbed me and got me onto the bed.

Let's pause right here. Did I mention that Chopin has a girlfriend? Yup, holidaying in England at the time - and her passport was on the living room floor so I'd sneaked a peek at it earlier and... well... she has an unfortunate face. I'm no beauty, but I'd certainly win in a contest against her.

And... resume story.

It was just a bit frantic, really. He was on top kissing me, then I was on top kissing him... literally out of nowhere. Yeah I thought he seemed kinda cute and had played a little guitar and keyboard for us earlier (perhaps the term is 'showing off'?), and despite the fact I knew he wasn't single, I was going along with it.

He quickly stood up, though, then moved me to the edge of the bed and pulled down my jeans and pants and started going down on me. Not even 10 seconds later, he jumps up and says he can't do it. He has a girlfriend, he can't. And, being the shameless bint I am, did my damnedest to try to persuade him otherwise. When my charms (grabbing him and kissing him) didn't work, I asked if he would at least finish me off.

Nope. What an utter prick.

At least when I was trying to get the Bad Boy to cheat on his girlfriend with me, he had the decency to at least make sure I got off when I asked. And so, with him looking utterly ashamed of himself, and me feeling slighly hard done by, we went back to the living room where - although Miss C and Miss P clearly knew something was up - we weren't openly interrogated.

Not long after, Miss P and I left to find a taxi to head home. And of course I told her everything. Including the fact that he wasn't really a good kisser. Then Miss P - far from being angry at me - said that I had just reinforced everything she had suspected of him, because she never really liked him.

I know I'm being quite shameless about this, although why should I feel bad? I'm single, and I'm certainly not the one who intiated anything. Of course, I didn't have to go along with it - I could have been the one to say 'No, you have a girlfriend' but y'know what? It's not my burden to bear.

I'd probably only have felt bad if we ended up going the whole way with poor Miss P and Miss C in the next room knowing exactly what was going on.

As I've said once before, I have a fairly unique perspective of what is acceptable behaviour.

What I Forgot To Mention...

2011-09-11T11:02:00.001+01:00

drinking: Yes. Fosters. I only have 2 left but I still have some tequila, so I don't have to venture out to the off-licence just yet.
listening to: Hole - Reasons To Be Beautiful
choice lyrics: "Miles and miles of perfect skin / I swear I do, I fit right in / My love burns through everything / I cannot breathe"

In my last post, I have to confess that I omitted something.

I was dumped the night I moved into my flat. Literally about 2 hours afterwards. I knew it was coming because of the texts I'd been sent and the utter insistance that I be seen in person, despite my begging that it happen somewhere neutral as I didn't want the first flat I have to myself be tainted with bad memories. Selfish bastard that he is.

Anyhow, because I knew it was coming I proceeded to get through a box of wine while waiting for him to arrive. So I was quite drunk when he did turn up. This, however, is a relief. Because if I remembered every single word and shitty explanation all I would be doing is torturing myself and replaying it over and over in my head. And I'm not ashamed to say that I totally broke down, was crying loudly in a corner for what felt like ages, and yelling at him. Man, I'm surprised my new neighbours didn't try and get the police round that night. I still can't explain to people what happened or what went wrong. I still can't really talk about it. I'm actually crying just typing this.

Anyhow, this was at about 10pm or 11pm. I continued drinking, was listening to appropriate songs. Then at about 3am I texted the Bad Boy. Uh oh. Yep, he who suddenly started texting me again after I stopped going round to his or asking to hang out (i.e. shag). He who was the object of my desire for MONTHS last year, but he didn't want to see me exclusively.

I texted something like "Do you want to come round and comfort a dumped girl? I have beer and white wine."

And he texted back saying if I was still up at 4am that he'd get a taxi and come over. Which he did. So I was a total mess, drunk. Had started watching some DVD or another, and he arrived and I kept drinking, he was smoking joints... I can't even remember what we spoke about. At one point I remember him saying that my ex was a fool, which didn't really comfort me. And then? Blackout city. The next thing I remember is the room being dark, and him on top of me.

So yes. Within about 7 hours of being dumped, I was fucking someone else.

Well one school of thought is to get over someone you need to get under someone else.

Not entirely sure what's happening with the Bad Boy. He's been over once since then, but the other times we've arranged it I've either fallen asleep so couldn't let him in, or he's KO'd when he gets back to his flat after his shift so doesn't call me to arrange to come round.

I don't know what I want from him. I don't know if all I'm wanting is physical comfort or if I want for us to actually 'be exclusive'. Not that I'm really fretting over it, to be honest. Yes, I'll fret when I'm frustrated and can't have him round at the click of my fingers to 'see to my needs'. Hmm.

We'll see what does, or doesn't, happen. And of course I'll be posting about it.

The 'Totally Devastated, I'm Taking a Break' Post

2011-08-12T19:55:00.004+01:00

drinking: Yes. I plan to have blacked out by 11pm and have poor Blondi left to fend for herself here.
listening to: Biffy Clyro - 27
choice lyrics: "I stroke your silken skin, kiss you goodbye / your eyes just pierce me through / I am bleeding with blood I'd give to you, to be the way we were / I still feel the pain in my heart, thoughts once pure are now diluted"

Sorry I've been away, troops. Overtime at work had me very busy. And now I'm totally devastated over a breakup.

I won't lie, I'm a complete and utter mess. Thankfully I already had some holiday time booked off work, but I couldn't face work yesterday (well I got utterly wasted, stayed up til God knows when and slept through my alarms) and today I was still prone to crying jags and didn't want to risk it happening while I was on the phone to customers or clients.

Mum seems to be trying to take the 'tough love' route with things, saying that it's doubtful that the now-ex boyfriend is crying and staying off work so I should be strong. Tough love, but caring at the same time. Dad was saying I shouldn't be taking time off work because I need money to pay rent for the flat of my own that I just moved into on Wednesday night. And my brother doesn't know what to say but just wants me to feel better.

I'm waiting for Blondi to come round but I've already warned her that I'll be absolutely awful company. Earlier today I went outside for the first time since Wednesday night and was close to tears as I was walking to the off licence (my new best friends, although they don't know it yet). So facing Edinburgh tomorrow is going to be difficult. Especially since last time I was there was with Rocky.

No one quite does ugly despair like I do - even if I do say so myself.

DJ Mich's Playlist - Songs 27 - 32

2011-06-27T23:40:00.000+01:00

If music is the food of love, is it then also the purger of hate? Was that even a good analogy?

Fuck it. This post is purely to share some tunes and choice lyrics for one of my very good friends. Listen on, dear followers / misguided folk!

Megadeth - 1000 Times Goodbye

"Drifting alone in a sea of agony
your face I can't recognise
Don't make this hard on us
I will miss you if you just go away"

My Ruin feat. Jessicka - Miss Ann Thrope

"A ritual to mend my angry heart
a breeding ground for your untruth
If God created man in His own image
then FUCK YOU"

Jack Off Jill - Nazi Halo

"Bring your IQ and try to understand
Just cause I'm listening
don't mean we're still friends
Can't fix my problem
you crossed a thin line
You can't just work it out
not with me this time"

Ugly Kid Joe - Everything About You

"And I, get sick when I'm around
I, can't stand to be around
I, hate everything about you"

The Donnas - Better Off Dancing

"I can't hear a word you say and I don't even care
I'm throwing all your notes away, stop me if you dare
I'm taking the lead away from you
I know what to do, you don't have to show me how to move"

Riddlin' Kids - I Feel Fine

"Right now I don't know what to say
because you're mean and I never liked you anyway
Don't ever call 'cause I don't wanna be friends
excuse me now, 'cause the chorus is comin' up again"

Mucho love and hugs for mi amiga!

This Is Da Bomb!

2011-06-22T23:15:00.001+01:00

drinking: Glen's vodka - which I swear smells like cheap washing up liquid when I first open it. I'm telling you, they've changed the vodka recipe or there's some cunt fiddling with my purchases!
listening to: Tom Jones - Sex Bomb
choice lyrics: "You can give me more and more counting up the score, yeah / you can turn me upside down, inside out / You can make me feel the real deal / and I can give it to you any time because you're mine"

*sing-song* I got a new tattoooo, I got a new tattoooo! :D

Yes. It's a bomb. :D

My maternal Grandad was badly injured when a bomb landed near him during an air raid in World War 2 when he was helping people into shelters, and he would have died if it hadn't been for a woman coming out of nowhere with a towel and pressing it to his face to stop the bleeding.
[note: My Mum recalls that years later, she was out with Grandad in a local park and all of a sudden he took particular notice of a stranger, and the both of them recognised each other immediately. He said to her that he never got a chance to thank her for - literally - saving his life that night, and they spoke for a little bit and he introduced my Mum as his daughter (who wouldn't have even existed if it hadn't been for her!) and then went their separate ways. I find that utterly incredible!]

The amount of damage and casualties was at first covered up by the govenment, and even though thousands of people had lost their homes and friends and family members, they were still turning and travelling miles to get to their places of work to help build battleships and munitions.

Resiliance, motherfuckers!

Not only that, but my Mum - and her maternal relatives - had a tough time of things in Ireland during 'The Troubles' as it's generally called. Army checkpoints, soldiers trying to search shopping bags with one of my Mum's relatives becoming all indignant and refusing to let anyone have a poke through her bags which contained the undergarments she'd just bought (haha!), bombs going off in public places... sheer insanity.

Essentially, you could say that I've had ancestral relatives endure and survive bombs and deaths and utter devastation... and they refused to be beaten. They carried on and became stronger because of it - almost like a big 'FUCK YOU!' to the bastards trying to get them down.

Hence, the bomb. :)

C'mon troops - has anyone got any ink to share that they haven't already?

You know you want to! ;-)

Speak and Destroy

2011-06-13T22:28:00.002+01:00

drinking: no. I'm trying to do this whole 'cut down on drinking' thing. Save money and lose weight - that's the idea. Is it working? No. Because I just interrupted this post to go to Tesco and get some vodka.
listening to: My Ruin - Monster
choice lyrics: "Another lover, another man / another victim of circumstance / I close my eyes with no regret / I know your name, baby, but I forget"

Sorry for the lack of activity here - I've been doing a lot of not-forced-but-we-feel-like-we-have-to overtime. Which I'm still having to do (admittedly I was a bit lax the past week or two, but I'll need to start putting in the hours again. Boo).

Nothing much has changed. I'm still seeing Rocky (yay!), and he's even met my Dad (twice!) and my brother. Dad attempted to scare/unsettle him with tales of some of his, ummm, youthful indiscretions, shall we say? Rocky - bless him - took it in his stride and thought it was quite funny. (Needless to say, as soon as my Mum got back from her wee holiday away I told her what Dad had told him while she wasn't there to put a stop to any such tale-telling).

So, going quite well I guess you could say. Despite a text I got out of the blue last week while I was out with the beatiful Miss P.
From who, from who?!?

The Bad Boy aka more recently known as The Prick.

"I'm just chillin in the flat on the offchance you're bored, can't believe I haven't seen you for so long. I really wish I'd agreed to see you exclusively now - it's not like I was up to anything then anyway. Just wasn't ready to officially relinquish the free status I guess. Hope you're well. x"

[Note: For those who don't know / can't remember, this is the guy who would only really text or call to invite me round when he was stoned or drunk and feeling randy. Who, on more than one occasion, would invite me round and when I would arrive 20 minutes later he wouldn't answer the door or his phone because he had passed out (or, at New Year, stood me up after promising he'd come pick me up at my parents' so we could go to a party. That particular incident was the straw that broke the camel's back, as they say).

And yes, I wasn't content with just fucking him - I wanted him. Despite everything, and I let it be known. And I was very gently turned down (gently?... It was totally professional - it was a 'No', but not erasing all hope yet certainly not promising anything).]

Well, after nearly choking on my wine (yes I was drinking, don't judge me - I have no willpower!), and showing the text to Miss P in utter disbelief, I managed to put together a reply.

"Lol was that a backhanded compliment or what?! You were wanting to shag around and now I'm not free to come round at the drop of a hat you've sussed that you were onto a good thing and missed out. You're an eejit. Lol"

Now, I don't think that was too bad a response (for me, anyway. Sometimes my idea of a good rebuttal is 'FUCK YOU, YOU FUCKING FUCK!' or 'SO'S YER FACE!'). In this case, however, I kept it friendly the 'Lol' and only calling him an eejit... trust me, I could have said worse.

And nothing more was really thought of it until I woke up at Rocky's the next morning, bleary-eyed and staring at the ceiling wondering where the hell I was and what time it was, and if Rocky was still there, and then feeling relief that he was because it meant I hadn't slept in for work. Yep, I was still half-cut. And found a reply from the Bad Boy he sent at about 4am -

"You've totally read into that wrong. When you've been bitten it can take years to feel like being with someone again. I'm only just getting there now and I regret letting things slip away because of an irrational feeling. That's all, I'm sorry for any offence"

And, okay maybe my reply to that was a little bit harsh... but I have already told him that I've been a bit more uncharacteristically blunt with people than I am normally. Maybe it's the antidepressants, or maybe I'm just fed up with bawbaggery:

"How can "it's not like I was up to anything then anyway" be misread? Lol you've got the patter when it comes to bedding girls but you need to work on what to say and how to say it after they've finally given up on you and forced themselves to move on. I'm sorry if that seems bitchy but just calling it like I see it :) Hope you're not feeling too rough if you were still up at 4!"

I could have been nicer, I suppose. But I don't regret anything I've said as it's all true.

Considering that he's not only got 3 pairs of my pants but also some dirty photos (this wasn't one of my best ideas - I told you, some lead as an example whereas I serve as a warning!), you think that I'd be a bit more careful and try to keep things a lot friendlier, wouldn't you?

This is going to come back and bite me in the arse, isn't it?

Meh, I'll cross that bridge when I come to it!

Keep Calm and Carry On Have A Beer

2011-05-17T21:24:00.001+01:00

drinking: No. Haven't got *much* of an inclination to just now - mostly because I'm genuinely worried I might go a bit mad again if it works me up instead of chilling me out.
listening to: Jimmy Eat World - Bleed American
choice lyrics: "I'm not alone coz the TV's on, yeah / I'm not crazy coz I take the right pills every day"

Y'know how you sometimes read blogs and think 'Dude, what the fuck are you POSTING this for?! Delete, delete, you fucking weirdo!'. Yep, this is one of those blogs.

Better to be honest. Plus, it might help someone. Probably won't, and will only serve to worry people. So I will say this - PLEASE DON'T WORRY. It's just that my Bad Days are maybe a bit more extreme than other people's.

Well folks, after my post on Saturday I did in fact go to my parents' to hide out. Unfortunately, soon after leaving the flat to head to the bus stop, I got seriously stressed out and paranoid.

A girl with her boyfriend looked at me, then turned to her boyfriend and said something and laughed, and I immediately got paranoid and self-conscious that she was laughing at me for something or what I was wearing (as I was originally meant to be going to a party, I was wearing the new dress I'd bought).

When I got to the bus stop, I managed to get a bus which was practically empty. I had my headphones in with my music up loud, just listening to the words and keeping myself distracted. Till some bint sat RIGHT behind me then decided to start a phone conversation, of which I heard every word, which I could not drown out - even with my hands over my ears. My physical personal space wasn't being invaded, my aural / thinking space was, and I couldn't handle it. I was nearly in tears I was so frustrated that she wouldn't shut up or couldn't have sat on one of the dozens of other seats.

I had texted my brother prior to this to ask if he wanted to go to the pub for a drink when I got off the bus, but as soon as I arrived I had to head straight home. I normally try to go into the little Spar shop to get a wee something for my parents and brother (even if it's just chocolate or biscuits), but I couldn't face it. I hurried home, and as soon as I got in the door, I just broke down completely.

My parents were trying to find out what was wrong, I explained that everything was wrong - but I knew I wasn't supposed to feel like this - it's just because I hadn't had my medication for over a week because my prescription request hasn't been sent to the pharmacy. I was utterly hysterical, I couldn't calm down, I ended up crouching in the kitchen corner between the cooker and cupboard refusing to move, in floods of tears, trying to breathe normally, thinking I'm finally having a nervous breakdown.

Meanwhile, my parents (who had literally just been about to leave the house with my brother) are on the phone to NHS 24 trying to find out if there's anyway I could be given my anti-depressants or something to calm me down. Actually, to be more accurate my Mum was on the phone, and my Dad was yelling that Mum shouldn't have phoned the NHS because then they might try and section me.

Fabulous!

NHS 24 person then wanted to speak to me on the phone (at which point Dad was convinced that they were going to decide I'd get carted off, so Mum had to come get me and quietly tell me to try and sound 'as normal' as I could.
NHS 24 person just wanted to see if I was lucid, if I was wanting to hurt or kill myself (I wasn't very happy my parents had to find out I'd last cut myself in September), and basically thought I stopped my meds deliberately. My parents then had to leave - which they really didn't want to, but they couldn't NOT go - with Dad's parting words to my brother being 'If anyone comes to the door, don't let them in because they'll try to take her away'. That's how bad I was was. Doesn't matter that I hadn't hurt myself or anyone else, Dad was convinced that I'd be deemed in desperate need of a room with nice rubber wallpaper and a white jumper that lets me hug myself.

So my brother had to stay and babysit me in my kitchen corner, trying to calm me down and make me laugh and relax a bit. Eventually I DID move into the living room and sat on the couch - clutching a cushion as though my life depended on it, while my brother was trying to find us something to watch on TV to distract me.

The person from Glasgow's Mental Health board (who NHS 24 had to refer the call to) then called back an hour later asked the same questions as NHS 24 person, but I didn't like his tone and he really wasn't helping (his advice was to stay there and try to see my Doctor on Monday) so I refused to talk to him any more.

I did glean, however, that hypersensitivity to noise can be withdrawl symptom for some medications. Which was why I was wanting to turn around and ram that fucking mobile phone down that goddamn bint's throat who was behind me on the bus. Honestly, it was so bad - I was gripping the seat in front of me so hard my knuckles went white. I looked so upset another passenger asked if I was alright. I was praying for help from whatever relatives or Spirit guides or guardian angels were there who could help me keep calm and deal with it.

It was pretty much a panic attack I had. I can't say I've ever had one before, but it was awful. Parts of the day leading up to it are actually pretty hazy, and not because I was having a couple of drinks. It was pretty terrifying. Trapped in my own head and unable to calm myself down or talk myself out of stupid thoughts, or unable to concentrate properly because my mind was finding it hard to focus on one thing.

So, my family are now super worried about me. Rocky is worried, because he'd been at his friend's place and his mobile battery died so didn't didn't have any idea this had all happened until he finally got home on Sunday and called to ask how I was (which is when I had to admit what had happened). My office manager and colleagues are worried about me, because I honestly couldn't be bothered or had any inclination to lie about why I had to take a couple of days off. It's better to tell the truth anyway.

However, I've now got my goddamn anti-depressants (didn't matter that I was freaking out slightly at being around strangers, getting too close to me in the Health Centre - I didn't get given bugger all else to help me while the pills are meant to kick in), and I've had to fork out on some herbal remedies (Kalms and also a 'de-stress' aromatherapy oil roll-on thing) so I'm not stressing out or getting anxious. Which, let's face it, living and working in Glasgow City Centre is going to bloody happen - especially with all the jakey arseholes that frequent the area.

And I didn't get sectioned! I was very angry and upset at Dad when he kept saying I would be, so I said (maybe yelled or screamed) that even if they DID have reason to come, I'd lock myself in the bathroom and they'd literally have to cut through the door to get to me. My Dad's a reassuring character - he has a gift where he can immediately raise your stress levels to breaking point.

So, Mental Illness 1, Mich 1?

Yeah, we'll call it a tie for now.

Do What The Doctor Tells You.

2011-05-14T17:50:00.001+01:00

drinking: Red Square vodka. Oh my goodness, I am never going to go so cheap on my liver again. This stuff is shite.
listening to: The Donnas - I Don't Want To Know
choice lyrics: "I won't be misunderstood / it won't do you any good / Think I'm not the one you could / well I know that you would"

Hey, it's another confession time.

I'm on anti-depressants again. Have been since New Year. Well, I was. I'm still waiting for a repeat prescription - my health centre has been getting their computer system updated so the wee message said that it would take an extra 3 days to sort out requests. Well, I've been off my meds for over week now and I'm a fucking mess. And my prescription still isn't at the pharmacy for me, so I'm going to have to try and get an appointment on Monday or get my meds sorted out then.

It's not pretty.

I'm overreacting to the smallest thing that I'd normally be totally laidback about or take in my stride. My temper is so close to the surface these days that when Miss P was telling me about someone that was causing her a slight irritation, I went completely off on one against this girl (that I don't even know) calling her a narcisstic bitch and all sorts.

Perceived slights / people ignoring me or not caring about things which are a big deal to me - I'm seriously pissed off about. It's as if I think it's some deliberate slight against me - it's almost like a sort of paranoia.

People technically implying that I'm not being truthful about something - I'm going mental about. Example, a business client called the office wanting to speak to our Accounts Department. That consists of one person, who only works part time. I told her that, and yet she still kept asking to speak with someone there, then eventually someone superior to me. Who couldn't tell her any fucking different. I'm so fucking angry about it and taking it so personally that I've sworn never to visit her fucking place - which has had shitty reviews anyway, so she can take a fuck to herself.

When it's coming to taking things out on myself, I've tried going to the gym instead - hurting the muscles instead of anything else - and it's maybe working to a degree, but ultimately it's not blocking out anything. So alcohol quickly gets involved.

I'm pissed off and resentful towards people I shouldn't be. I don't like it, but I can't stop myself.

I hate being dependent on people, nevermind things or chemicals or pills.

I don't like being this. No amount of cognitive behavioural therapy that I've been making myself do is helping. I know I'm thinking and reacting irrationally and that normally I wouldn't feel this way, but that isn't stopping me from wanting to smash the fuck out of things and tell people to go fuck themselves and never speak to me again.

So, yeah. I should probably try and get an emergency appointment at the Doctor's, then?

I was meant to be going to a party tonight. I think I'm going to have to just run away to my parents' and hole myself up there 'til I see a Doctor.

Shit.

"And I would walk 500 miles..." or, y'know, 6.2

2011-05-10T08:25:00.003+01:00

drinking: A can of Gordon's Gin & Tonic. Yes, I'm meant to be getting ready for work, but to hell with it!
listening to: The Smiths - Bigmouth Strikes Again
choice lyrics: "Bigmouth, bigmouth / bigmouth strikes again / And I've got no right to take my place with the human race"

Let's hark back to a post I did last month, where I was giving some well-intentioned advice by saying that everyone should be careful who they accept friend requests from on Facebook. Not because they're weirdos, or they might be incredibly dull, or could be one of these folk who is updating 6 times a day about their kid potty training or whatever. No. No, I asked that my advice be heeded for a far more serious reason.

Because I accepted a friend request from someone I work with who - it turns out! - is Facebook friends with our boss. Godammit!

Anyhow, I guess the sensible thing would have been for me to jump in there and do some pre-emptive blocking.

Guess who forgot to do that.

"Wait a second, Mich, I've gotten the impression that your boss isn't actually that friendly with you anyway, so why the hell would she friend request you?"

Excellent question.

Well, it's because she's injured her leg and was meant to do the Women's 10K on Sunday with some of the other girls in the office to raise money for the Maggies Centres Charity, and I told her that I would take her place since we didn't think that she should even be attempting it and making her injury worse.

So, on the Friday, with literally NO training , I volunteered to do the 10K on the Sunday (2 days later) on her behalf.

I won't lie, this was me immediately after having my offer accepted

And you know what? It was bloody good! I had literally no idea what to expect, and the support and encouragement from the residents living along the route and from the crowds was incredible. I've never been part of something which had so much community spirit.

Anyhow, I had absolutely no intention of running the 10k, so we walked most of it but jogged for 2 or 3 parts. And although I was racing with my boss's number (I know that was a MASSIVE no-no, but we agreed it was quicker than registering myself, plus if anything were to happen to me I was always going to be with someone from the office anyhow), despite what the results online and in the newspaper say, it was ME that completed the walk in just over 90 minutes. And I wasn't last. Ya dancer!

So, I'm guessing that me stepping in like that is what prompted my boss to find me through my colleague's Facebook profile and friend request me. Which caused me a certain amount of distress, let me tell you.

How can I reject my boss's friend request?! I warned two of my other colleagues and said I would understand if they removed me from their friends list, lest they find themselves in this dire scenario... but after speaking with another colleague in work - who seems to be a boss's favourite, yet has escaped being her Facebook friend - he advised me to ignore her friend request, and to ignore it for all eternity. And if she asks why, just say you don't want to mix business with pleasure.

Or in my case, I don't want her knowing what I get up to outside of my working hours.

So, it's ended well... for now.

And if anyone wants to donate £1 for the Charity 10k that we completed (10p a kilometre, c'mon - a karma bargain!) - after I arranged to do it at the last minute! - then just email me at rockwhore (underline) poptart (at) hotmail dot co dot uk and I'll be happy to send you the wee JustGiving link.

Ah go on, you'll make me a very happy Mich, and it's for charity! :)

Wine... bad?

2011-05-04T00:31:00.001+01:00

drinking: What on earth made you assume I was drinking? How dare yo- yeah, vodka.
listening to: Mötley Crüe - Dr Feelgood
choice lyrics: "He's the one they call Dr Feelgood / he's the one who makes you feel alright / He's the one they call Dr Feelgood/ he's gonna be your Frankenstein"

I got a payrise. Wahey!!

When everyone else gets any scheduled payrise, we'll probably get left out (or looked upon by the bosses as awkward & ungrateful feckers / bad seeds). Wahey!!

Student Loans are now taking even more money off me each month. Wahey!!

Still seeing Rocky. Wahey!!

I've got lurgy / cold / something. Boooo.

I just did 4 hours of overtime at home. Boooo. (At time and a half, while listening to some quality tunes... wahey!)

On a more serious note. I have to admit that I have an alcohol problem.

Look, I know it might not come as that much of a shock to some of you, but... I'm ready to actually say it now. And I'd appreciate the support of the few folk that read this.

I....

God, this is hard.

I....

don't think I can drink wine anymore.

Look, it was Miss P that single-handedly put me off white wine (honest to God, we drank it together so much that if I taste the stuff now I feel sick - and now that's also happened with rose wine recently). And well, my last sanctuary, wine-wise, with good old red? Well, Sainsbury's managed to fuck that one up for me. Imagine my delight, as I was looking around the booze aisle with child-like wonder, pondering what alcoholic delight I could sneak into the cinema with me... when, all of a sudden, I spotted a 1.5 litre bottle of red wine. In fact... there were two!! A Merlot and a Chardonnay! And the containers were really just like big water bottles with booze inside instead. So, full of utter joy, I skipped off to the checkout.

However, upon opening and tasting this item... it tasted awful. Naturally, I kept drinking it. I was mixing my drinks that day, so things got hazy later on. But when I woke up the next day, and felt as bad as I did, I KNEW that it was the crap Sainsbury's wine that was the culprit. So much so, even the smell of it made me nauseous. And so, it was poured down the sink.

Yes. I poured booze down the sink *holds head in hands*. So now I don't think I can drink white wine, rose, or red wine.

Sometimes there are things that we all consume so much of that eventually we get sick of it, right? I know that it can be true, but, we find alternatives... right? Please, people, I need reassurance!! I can't become a bloody tee-totaller!

The Whiny Unappreciated Post

2011-04-19T21:58:00.000+01:00

drinking: tequila! Salt, lemon and lime time! Except I don't have those, just the booze. :D
listening to: 9 to 5 - Dolly Parton
choice lyrics: "Workin' 9 to 5, what a way to make a livin' / barely gettin' by, it's all takin' and no givin' / They just use your mind and they never give you credit / it's enough to drive you crazy if you let it"

Some people are quite easily pleased. Some are quite happy to do a lot of work and put a lot of effort into things, and get no thanks for it.

Others are happy to soldier on, but would like at least a little bit of acknowledgement.

And a few will only do as much as they have to, and then shout and stomp around about how they aren't appreciated.

I'd like to think that on a personal level, I'm the first example. Purely because I do like the people I care about being happy, regardless of what effort I have to put into things, or what money I might have to spend.

On a work level, however. Different situation entirely. Particularly when it feels like you're being taken from granted from the outset. That if you were to walk out, it would all fall apart without you. You work extra hours at home, just to make sure that some last minute paperwork that your boss forgot to tell you about is done (which means cancelling plans you've already had - which you HATE doing, because you never want to let down your friends). Or purely to lessen the workload the next day.

Or how about when you're off work sick - when you're physically incapable of making it into work, and yet you force yourself onto your computer to do what work you can from home to help out the colleagues you genuinely care for and want to help out. Nevermind the bosses - you want to help out your pal in the office because you know how much she'll be stressing out on her own (she isn't the only one in the team, but she won't be getting any help). And vice versa? Despite the fact you've been doing that work from home, it's still on your official record that you were absent.

Throw into that the fact that it's been insinuated that you're not going to progress anywhere within the company, and that it's a very sexist environment, and that you aren't included in a lot of rather important or swish work do's, and you're going to start feeling pretty bloody resentful. Particularly when there's talk of giving the part time staff extra money to bribe them to do some overtime. Especially, when we find out how much other people in the office are being paid. In proportion to the amount of work they do and pressure they're under? Don't get me started.

So, of course, colleague and I aren't happy. And then somehow it ends up that we're in a discussion with the boss and the new blabbermouth office manager (who went running to tell boss that colleague and I are seriously pissed), and we say that we want a payrise of £1k-£1.5k. Okay, the £1k payrise was my colleague's idea. The £1.5k was mine. Fuck it. I know how much we do and we fucking deserve it.

Another colleague that we know is on £1k more than us as it is, however, really doesn't get that much more a month in her wages. To be honest, though, I'm past caring. It really is the principle of the thing. Yes, those Student Loans bastards are going to start taking more money off me each month, but I don't care. I want some proper acknowledgement that we're important to the company, and are appreciated and respected and that if we were to walk out that they'd be totally fucked!

So yeah, we'll see how that goes! Got a feeling I should start looking for another job.

No wonder I keep dying my hair to try and piss off the bosses. Perhaps I should consider a quarter or half tattoo sleeve on my upper arm, to extend what I've already got there? God, they'd probably have kittens... >:-)

Fuck you, Facebook!

2011-04-11T21:59:00.000+01:00

drinking: Bloody Marias! They're Bloody Marys, but with tequila instead of vodka :D
listening to: Ash - Submission
choice lyrics: "There's nothin' I won't do, even if it's wrong / to please you, that's where I comin' from / You warp my senses, you're comin' on so strong / I gotta go down, I gotta get it on"

Apologies for my absence. I've either been getting stressed out over work, hanging out with Rocky, or falling asleep at stupid (i.e. sensible) times and so blogger and all of you have been neglected. Sorry :(

My mind was awash with possibilities for my next post - I could have deliberately played up to the whole 'newly non-single people are a pain in the ass' thing, and did a whole 'LA LA LA I'm SOOOO happy!!' post.

But let's be honest... that isn't me. I mean, there was someone on Facebook I only recently 'un-hid' so I could see her posts again, because I felt guilty that I could be missing out on important things that she might need my support for.

Nope. That lasted about a week then I hid her again. She's SO IN LOVE and SO LUCKY and, by the way SHE'S REALISED SHE'S GAY!!! etc. etc. yadda yadda.

Awesome! I'm happy for you! Need to tell the world it every few hours? Nope. 'Kay, thanks, bye.

I could have gone the 'here's what I've been up to' route, with nothing that interesting involved but summarising the new / random / fun / whatever things I've been doing.

No. Instead, let me do this:

Be careful who you add on Facebook.

The work folk you have a laugh with and get on pretty well with, and are happy to go out with for a few drinks - damn right. Go for it.

The work folk you think are pretty cool, yet you're never fully relaxed around but you have a laugh anyway and don't mind going for a drink with - consider it, then go for it.

The work folk you quite like, but don't feel you have much in common with, and feel slightly awkward around, although are okay once you've had a couple of drinks... THINK ABOUT WHAT YOU ARE DOING.

Because that person, the one that falls into that category, the one that you accept the Friend Request from because you'll feel guilty and under scrutiny for not doing it...

...

...

...

...

IS FACEBOOK FRIENDS WITH YOUR BOSS.

Son of a bitch!

It's Easy, M'kay

2011-03-22T21:58:00.000Z

drinking: my last bottle of Brothers Strawberry & Pear cider... don't worry, I'm savouring it.
listening to: My Ruin - Let It Rain
choice lyrics: "Baptise this thing that burns / every time you bathe me / If I confess too many sins / will you still save me?"

Sometimes I say that the Universe or Karma is against me. Usually in a half-joking-but-sort-of-serious manner.

This week's little spark of paranoia is down to a sudden stroke of inspiration in the workplace...

A Swear Box.

Motherfudger.

Fair enough, whatever money goes into it is going to be donated to a charity that my company is supporting. So every time someone in the office says a swear word, we need to put 5p in the box. It's only been in place since Friday afternoon, but it's already had about £2 out of me.

And I wasn't bloody impressed when the new office manager decided it was to be kept on a filing cabinet right behind me! (What was the bint implying, eh?!).

So in my desperation not to be led into financial ruin because of my colourful vocabulary, I've been trying to say other words instead of my usual choice swearys.

So, for example:

Bastard! = Ya Bandit!

Fuck! = Fudge!

Bitch = Bint

Shit = Sugar

I've even been watching this clip from the South Park movie for ideas....

I asked my Facebook friends for more suggestions, and they were terrific. We wandered into retro territory with phrases such as "holy tomato!" and "jumping Jiminy!". It's a nice idea (although given the sort of crap my colleagues and I have to deal with sometimes, it's not came at the best time!), and kind of reminds me of how Rivers Cuomo in Weezer makes a point by not using swear words in any of his lyrics.

It's proving difficult, though. Swearys keep slipping out, or I don't even realise I've sworn until I'm being told to pay up.

There have been, however, a few times that I haven't had any change so I've decided to say another swear word or two just so I'm getting my money's worth. Which reminded me of an old post of Miss P's :D

Is anyone else having to suffer the indignity of getting up in front of colleagues and putting change into a swear box whenever you utter a choice curse word? Tell me I'm not alone! lol

I'm A Total Catch

2011-03-08T14:28:00.000Z

drinking: Tennent's lager. Whoever invented the pint can was a true visionary.
listening to: Violent Femmes - Blister In The Sun
choice lyrics: "When I'm out walking, I strut my stuff / and I'm so strung out / I'm high as a kite, I just might / stop to check you out"

How I endear myself to the guy I'm seeing
(aka What You Probably Shouldn't Do When You've Just Started Dating Someone)...

+ Admit to him that good-looking guys in kilts is your sexual Kryptonite. Add that if the guy in question is also wearing a rugby shirt, that it's game over. Also admit that you once walked into a supermarket display because you were too busy ogling the Scott's Porage Oats box with Scottish Rugby players on them.

+ Whilst grocery shopping with him, realise that you have NEVER tried Tennent's Super Lager and tell him so. Then dart off to the alcohol aisle and grab a can to buy. Once back at his flat, rather than help to unpack, locate your can of jakey-booze and proceed to drink it.

+ When you arrange for him to meet 2 of your best friends, you get a bit hyperactive then you and one of the girls decide to start eating nachos and jalapenos with Candy Corn (by the way, it was brilliant. We're culinary ~~geniuses~~... ~~genii~~... we're awesome!).

+ Shortly after this, paint yourself in the worst light possible by making many inappopriate comments and jokes, and by immediately laughing uncontrollably at a comment that you're supposed to be too innocent to understand.

+ Then let him hear that you and your old flatmate A used to moon out of the living room window to passers-by and there was once a video of two of you dirty dancing with the living room door and wall. He has probably already seen the lapdance photo, so no need to be concerned about him being told about that.

+ Rather than having something relatively normal for breakfast, ask if you can have the rest of his burrito from the night before that he couldn't finish.

+ Tell him that if he ever has to kill you and eat you, he has to promise to only make Mexican dishes out of your body.

+ Admit to him that after buying your first vibrator, you decided to give it a name. Watch as he seems to get a bit nervous when you tell him that it just so happened to be HIS name.

Unfortunately, all of the above is true and not embellished or fabricated in any way. And all happened within about a week (or literally within the space of about 2 hours).

On the plus side, Rocky (who was bestowed with a new nickname by Miss P, A and A's boyfriend on our wee night out - surely a sign of their approval!) has not yet appeared to have second thoughts about he and I being together.

Hurrah!

Hey there, March!

2011-03-02T08:58:00.000Z

drinking: orange juice. I start work at 9am, after all. Don't tell anyone, though, but I did have some beer when I got up and was taking my tablets lol

listening to: Queens of the Stone Age - Everybody's Gonna Be Happy (The Kinks cover)

choice lyrics: "Come on baby, let me tell you / all the things I want to say"

It's March already... mental! Spring is in the air, along with other fuzzy-good stuff.

Work appears to have calmed down a bit - although for how long, who knows?

I'm still having vivid, bizarre dreams - but they've not been bad ones that have completely messed me up.

I'm probably not going to any music festivals this year, as my friend A and her man are moving to Valencia next month so I'd rather save money to go over and visit them when the time comes. And I'm also hoping to get to Blackpool and maybe Glastonbury this year...

And get my next tattoo. I still haven't done anything about adding to the design idea I have, or going to the tattooist for him to work his magic on my feeble doodles.

And I'm still seeing the Should-I-Call-Him-My-Boyfriend-Yet, aka Rocky.

I can't help but notice the obvious differences between him and the Prick I was pining after last year. Certain behaviour and what-not that I thought was normal at the time, clearly isn't. Hindsight is a wonderful thing, I suppose! And trust me, I've been doing the whole 'What the hell was I thinking?!' thing, and I still don't know. Clearly I was thinking with my girl-parts lol

So, I'm happy. :)

Everyone else okay?

Post-Its and Poking (giggity)

2011-02-23T21:53:00.002Z

drinking: I finished off the little bit of Tesco Value red wine that I had (litre carton, genius!)
listening to: Father Ted - My Lovely Horse
choice lyrics: "Running around with a man on your back / like a train in the night, yeah / like a train in the night"

I am a simpleton.

When presented with bright orange mini post-it notes in work, my first reaction is to draw a pumpkin and give it to my colleague A who has to endure me from 9am to 5:30pm five days a week. On the plus side, at least I'm not drinking coffee or Relentless / Rockstar anymore.

A did not appreciate the pumpkin, and promptly binned him.

I was a little hurt. But then quickly drew another pumpkin and named him HAPPY PUMPKIN, and stuck him on my desk calendar.

[pre-emptive measure against Miss P - HE DOES NOT HAVE TOOTHACHE, HE IS A HAPPY PUMPKIN!!!]

Would you just look at his happy wee face? Feckin' adorable!

Soon my mini post-it notes were being left on the desks or computers of my unsuspecting colleagues, merely saying POKE! with a terrible drawing of a hand, looming out of nowhere, with a finger extended just ready to meet the intended target...

As well as drawing unwanted doodles and pictures for my long-suffering colleagues, I've also starting actually poking them.

No dirty jokes, I mean literally extending my index finger and leaning over and poking them in the arm or shoulder. A does not appreciate this. And so I've had to start doing it to one of the more senior members of my team, P. Who has the patience of a saint and I have never seen lose his temper or be abrupt with anyone.

Let's see how long he keeps that up sitting whilst next to me.

These are just a couple of ways that I am easily amused. Doodles on post-its and poking people.

And on Facebook, I've never really done the whole 'Poke' thing. But good grief, you should have seen my stupid grin when I logged in and noticed that I had a 'Poke!' notification from Guy-I'm-Sort-Of-Seeing-But-I'm-Not-Calling-Him-My-Boyfriend-Yet.
(Right - that's it. I need a nickname for him. JD, that'll do. As in Jack Daniels, because that's what he likes to drink. Sorted.)

[Edit: changing his nickname to Rocky (not as in Sylvester Stallone!). JD just reminded me of Zach Braff in 'Scrubs' *shudder* lol]

So, yeah. Poking is another way of saying you're thinking of someone.

In my twisted little mind, at any rate.

I really want to watch some Spongebob Squarepant episodes. Or sleep. Sleep could be good.

[Edit: I added a picture of Happy Pumpkin. And, upon reading Kasia's comment, have added the drinking? / music sections I usually add at the start. Last night I was too tired to bother. Bad Mich.]

DJ Mich's Playlist - Song 26

2011-02-17T22:51:00.000Z

drinking: just polishing off a bottle of Rose Cava from Tesco. It isn't actually that nice, but by jove I wish I'd bought 2 bottles.
listening to: Foo Fighters - Everlong
choice lyrics: "If everything could ever feel this real forever / if anything could ever be this good again / The only thing I'll ever ask of you / you gotta promise not to stop when I say when"

I've got a music playlist on my phone that I've recently been listening to, comprising of just 15 songs. 15 songs that I've chosen out of literally hundreds (possibly thousands) by just some of the dozens of artists and bands that I like.

And what of it?

Well, not much in itself. But Guy-I'm-Maybe-Dating-But-Not-Calling-A-Boyfriend-Yet (note to self: think of snappier nickname) plays guitar, and he does try to practice every day. As such, whenever I've been over at his (the past two weekends I've spent at his place) he has played a few songs while I've been there.

Not a big deal. However, out of the 10 or so songs that he's played while I've been there (I won't be so bigheaded as to say 'played for me' lol), three of them have been songs in my 'fave fifteen' playlist. Doesn't sound like much, but we don't like a lot of the same bands... and as I said - these are just 15 tracks out of hundreds that I enjoy listening to. One or two of which I was a little surprised to find out he liked as well.

Admittedly, it's really not that impressive statistically. But it certainly made me joke about whether he'd sneaked a peek at what I'd been listening to on my music player. And I don't believe in coincidences, either. Anyway, this was one of the aforementioned tracks:

Lyrics:

Hello, I've waited here for you
Everlong
Tonight, I've thrown myself into
and out of the red, out of her head she sang

Come down and waste away with me
Down with me
Slow how you wanted it to be
I'm over my head, out of her head, she sang

And I wonder
when I sing along with you
If everything could ever feel this real forever
If anything could ever be this good again
The only thing I'll ever ask of you
You gotta promise not to stop when I say when
She sang

Breathe out so I can breathe you in
Hold you in
And now I know you've always been
Out of your head, out of my head, I sang

And I wonder
when I sing along with you
If everything could ever feel this real forever
If anything could ever be this good again
The only thing I'll ever ask of you
You gotta promise not to stop when I say when
She sang

And I wonder
when I sing along with you
If everything could ever feel this real forever
If anything could ever be this good again
The only thing I'll ever ask of you
You gotta promise not to stop when I say when

Hey Karma... we cool now?

2011-02-15T23:10:00.001Z

drinking: Hell yes. Cheap Tesco cider to the rescue!
listening to: The Cure - Just Like Heaven
choice lyrics: ""Why are you so far away?", she said / "Why won't you ever know / that I'm in love with you? / That I'm in love with you""

It's all been rather quiet on the Blog front... apologies! Stuff's been happening. Work... mood swings... possibly becoming a girlfriend...

I know. Stop the fucking presses.

I, Mich, have somehow managed to convince someone that it would be most agreeable for him to hang out with me and for us to sleep together exclusively.

Awesome.

Not only that - it's someone I've secretly lusted after for about a year and a half. Who is a decent guy, has gorgeous tattoos, is cute as hell, and is incredible in bed.

'Smitten' just about covers it.

*sigh* If only it was all so straightforward!

like an unwanted bastard child...

2011-02-02T19:09:00.002Z

drinking: No, but I'm starting to think about it...

listening to: The Donnas - Like An Animal
choice lyrics: "Just a drop on my lip and my heart starts to react / nothing bites like I do when I'm ready to attack, hah! / Tear it off, I wanna feel your skin / take a bite, you know it's not a sin"

Hi, I'm a Sony Ericsson Zylo. I have a retarded name and exist purely to torment Mich.

This phone, this shitty imitation of a piece of modern technology, can FECK OFF!

I managed to break the 5 button on my keypad, so it's now completely unresponsive [insert cruel joke about an ex-lover here]. Turns out I use a lot more words that include the letters J, K, or L than I thought I did. So much so that when I tried to text my flatmate to explain to her about my phone, I had to resort to saying instead "had to get new phone, this one has dead button" because I couldn't say broke or key.

I'm actually GLARING at this uninvited, totally unwanted contraption of confusion. I was determined to get another Sony Ericsson, like my beloved little S500i (has a changing background, so at New Year there's fireworks, bats at Hallowe'en... that's PURELY why I bought it). It's been with me to Glastonbury, Download Festival, Tennessee, Ireland... it's served me well, but I can't let go!

This little bloody harbinger of deepest loathing was the closest thing I could find, and has just reinforced that you should ALWAYS research the mobile phone you want - not grab the first thing that looks okay because you NEED to text someone later that day about... something *ahem*

My work colleague had to show me how to turn the bloody thing on and off after watching my pathetic efforts at scrutinising every part of it looking for the switch. It took me 5 minutes to work out how to get the back of it off, and it's all just wrong. The part where the charger goes is in the wrong side, the volume button when I'm listening to music is on the wrong side.
And I've got no bloody manual for it.

Apparently it can take a few days for my existing number to properly transfer over to the new phone, but I've already decided (after literally about 6 hours of owning it) that I'm probably going to just look online for somewhere that sells the phone model that I bought 3 years ago.

Don't worry, we'll get another one of you... it'll be like it never happened...

Please someone tell me I'm not the only one who seems to have this slightly unnatural attachment to a mobile...

Potentially Bad Idea # .... lost count

2011-02-01T13:51:00.003Z

For someone who's agonising slightly over certain misbehaviour, I seem to be doing my best to get a repeat performance.

Could it all end up horribly wrong? Yes.

Is it risking the harmony of more than one friendship? Yes.

Am I going to try pursuing this anyway? Damn right.

Don't worry. When it all ends in tears, I'll probably post about it! lol

Now I don't know what to do...

2011-01-31T21:54:00.003Z

drinking: YES. I need my liquid comfort blanket! Marks & Spencers red wine. The cheapest I could find. Which was still nearly a fiver. C-words.
listening to: The Donnas - Don't Get Me Busted
choice lyrics: "Things didn't go as planned / you saw us kissing by the hotdog stand / Now I don't know what to do / don't make me have to get rid of you"

"M & S wine is fairies' pee and period."
- Miss P, earlier this evening.

Well I slept with someone I probably shouldn't have, even though I felt attracted to them ever since we first met. How did the weekend go for you lot?

I Touch Myself... for Medical Research

2011-01-20T22:33:00.000Z

I'm starting to wonder if I'm the only person who could set a goal to masturbate every day just to see whether the possible side effect of a medication may actually be taking place.

The inability to orgasm hasn't happened yet (thank God... I honestly have no idea what I'd do, apart from storming off to the Doctor's, throwing my remaining pills at her, and demanding a different prescription), but I've noticed that it's taking me longer to 'get there'.

This is a little bit concerning. Maybe it's down to the quality of the 'visual stimulation' that I'm using, rather than my body turning against me.

I pray it's the first one...

Listen to Nurse Mich

2011-01-17T18:26:00.001Z

Guys... if you're ever on medication, and it says that you're STRONGLY ADVISED to avoid alcohol, and your Doctor also tells you in no uncertain terms that she STRONGLY ADVISES you to avoid alcohol... they probably bloody mean it.

It is NOT, I repeat NOT a personal challenge. They are probably telling you this for a reason.

A few drinks should be alright. Do NOT do what I did, and decide to drink half a bottle of vodka just to get rid of it. Method to my madness? I'd like to think so, but dear God how I wish I had just made vodka jelly or something instead. Or, y'know, not drank.

As soon as my ASDA food delivery gets here (which includes a box of wine and 2 bottles of Margarita mixer... why?! Why?!) and I put everything away, I'm coming back to my room and curling up in the foetal position underneath my duvet.

Smiling politely to hide the fury...

2011-01-16T16:04:00.001Z

drinking: No. Well.... fuck it, I might. I've been pretty much sober the past few days. I'll no doubt regret it if I'm totally zombified later, but we'll see how I get on. C'mere, Mr Vodka...
listening to: Garbage - Why Do You Love Me
choice lyrics: "Now I've held back a wealth of shit, I think I'm gonna choke / I'm standing in the shadows with the words stuck in my throat"

I don't consider myself to be particularly passive-agressive. I mean, if I'm pissed off at someone or about something, I don't promptly log onto Facebook to post a status update about it or draw attention to it. Even if it's something vague, such updates ALWAYS result in comments from folk wanting to know the gossip (or, occasionally, asking what scumbag has upset you so they know whose legs they're meant to go break).

No, thank you. That kind of thing really isn't for me - I'm not one to air my dirty washing in public, so to speak. Which also means I get pretty fucking resentful when I find out that folk have been talking about me behind my back, or paying closer attention than necessary to work out what I'm doing or who I'm hanging out with and then speculating about it.

Thankfully, here, I can vent. I'm safe in the relative anonymity of Blogger, and I choose what information I put out into cyberspace.
Alas, this didn't stop an ex from turning cyberstalker and tracking down the blog I created after we broke up. And also hasn't stopped someone else from stopping by to read up on what I'm doing since I've stopped talking to him and, well how else is he meant to find out?

I've already inadvertantly pissed off a couple of people in the last couple of months. One, I'm not particularly fussed about, although I did apologise for sounding arse-y. The other... well I wish I had kept my mouth shut and my drunken fingers to myself and hadn't sent that message.

And so rather than telling people what I REALLY think (which is an unfortunate, but effective, way of burning my bridges), I find myself having to act like everything is alright and that I'm not itching to have a knock-down drag-out fight, or call them out on their behaviour. Taking the moral high ground and acting dignified really isn't my style, but sometimes I feel I've got no choice. Especially if there are so many mutual friends that may become involved - all the more gossiping to be had.

And so... in order to vent my frustrations, which will hopefully mean I can manage to chill the fuck out, I'm going to rant a bit.
I shan't blame anyone for buggering off and not reading the rest of this, but since I'm not naming names or being too specific, who's to say a specific comment IS about a certain person? To cyberstalkers - if you think it's about you, perhaps it's because you've got a guilty conscience and know you've done wrong.

Ignorance is bliss, but BEING ignorant is something else entirely. I understand if you're trying to do right by someone else and to avoid an imagined confrontation, but at my expense? I know we aren't exactly close, but have you any idea how humiliating it is when people ask me about it, and it looks as though I've done something wrong?

I don't regret what I said about your girlfriend - she DOES seem insecure. Admittedly, I didn't have to say what I did, although I've already apologised for it. You need to Man the fuck up as well - it's not as if I put it on a public broadcast or said it to her bloody face. Although I guess you wouldn't want me meeting her anyway, not with what I could tell her.

Stay the fuck off my Facebook updates, no one asked your bloody opinion.

You've got a lot of problems, and it pains me to say that I think they may end up a whole lot worse. You've done a lot of things I don't like, that I really dislike you for... but I still don't think you really deserve what's going on right now.

New person, you're nice. I like you. But seriously: put the fucking Blackberry down, shut the fuck up, and do the goddamn work you're paid for. Just because you're a pal of the Boss's sister-in-law doesn't mean you can sit there surfing the web looking at a pair of £400 Italian shoes that you would just KILL to own while the rest of us are having near-emotional breakdowns because of the workload. And not every conversation has to involve you, so stop eavesdropping and interrupting to ask for explanations or for us to repeat ourselves. Nosy bastarding cunt.

I have no idea why you don't like me. Although to be honest, you don't seem to like anyone. It astounds me that you have such an amazing partner, given how completely insulting and derogatory you are to people - especially me, for some reason. I have no idea how I'm meant to have offended you, but slagging me off to other people and making sure that I'm in earshot is just pathetic. If it happens again, I might say something - but that's probably what you want. So I'm going to do my damnedest to go out of my way to smile and say hi to you every time I see you. Shitebag.

Dude, if you hurt her then I'm going to find you and hurt you twice as much.

If you come near me again, I'm not going to be responsible for my actions and I don't give a fuck about whether I end up barred.

Why in the name of God are you still with him? Are you seriously telling me that if you saw me in the same position that you wouldn't tell me to leave?

I wanna be on you. But I have self-control, so that's okay. No one need ever know.

With the way you speak to me sometimes, I'm not surprised you're still single.

Okay. He's a dick. We all know he's a dick. Doesn't mean you need to rise to the bait every time and give him the satisfaction of slagging you off to us more. It sucks, and we're caught in the middle. And quite frankly, if I HAVE to guilt trip the both of you with the 'I'm on medication and this behaviour is upsetting me' thing, then I bloody will. Act your age, the pair of you.

Stop fucking about and let me know what's going on. Idiot.

If I thought I could stand the gossiping amongst our 'friends', I would ask if you'd want to meet for a drink sometime.

And....

Phew. Anonymous 'not directed at any specific person' ranting is slightly therapeutic. Unfortunately, not as much as saying it to their face and giving them a smack. Oh well, c'est la vie.

Righto, what grinds everyone else's gears then? Any one care to vent without naming and shaming the culprit responsible for your rage or annoyance? Step right up, it's like a free therapy session... :P

[note: yeah, this was edited. And will probably be deleted. I'm trying to be less swear-y and angry towards folk... internalising isn't good, but don't like bad feelings hanging around. Or something. I swear I'm sober, I've just overdosed on chocolate a bit.]

Pretty sure Karma's against me again...

2011-01-10T18:58:00.001Z

drinking: I... I don't know what to do. Inner turmoil and conflict... overwhelming. listening to: At Your Funeral - Saves The Day
choice lyrics: "And at your funeral I will sing the requiem / I'd offer you my hand, it would hurt too much to watch you die"

Dilemma. Moral crisis. Lesser of two evils. If you had two children, and could only let one of them live, which would you choose?

Eurgh.

Now, I'm not a Catholic (plagued by the completely random Catholic guilt at times, but that's it) and so the whole idea of Lent - giving up something you really enjoy to show your devotion and dedication to your faith... isn't something I've ever had to put myself through.

I'm not diabetic, so I've never had to deny myself of any particular fizzy drinks or sweets that I enjoy (not that I really have a sweet tooth anyway).

I have absolutely no willpower when it comes to dieting or exercising or eating sensibly, so I've never really given up anything food-wise. Oh, except when I was Vegetarian when I was younger.

Just been prescribed some medication from the Doctor, and I've been STRONGLY ADVISED to avoid alcohol.

Oh it gets worse. One of the possible side effects of the medication? Inability to orgasm.

I honestly don't know which is worse. Probably the second one. Taking away one of my pleasures is one thing, but both?! FUCKING BOTH?!

I may have a sort of Wake to mourn the possible imminent loss of my libido. Or keep things upbeat, by having a sort of one-girl party and happily reminscing about past shenanigans and planning future misbehaviour for when I'm better and happier and back to acting like I'm permanently on heat. Like one of those amazingly joyous memorial services - lots of praising the Lord and clapping and singing. Yes. I am thinking of having a Southern Gospel Funeral for my libido.

And if the side effect doesn't happen? Fucking ACE. A resurrected libido. I draw the line at calling my girl-parts Jesus, though. Bit too blasphemous - even for me.

No idea about this whole 'possibly having to go tee-total' pish. I'll find a way around it.

Alright troops, I've told you more than you ever needed (or wanted) to know. Time to do the same. What is the one thing that you don't think you could live without or be able to give up?

And no one is allowed to choose a person or loved one. That's a cop-out.

Drunk Mich vs Sober Mich

2011-01-06T21:17:00.001Z

drinking: Not yet, anyway. Amazingly I've got about a 1 litre and a half of vodka left.
listening to: The Donnas - Don't Wait Up For Me
choice lyrics: "Boy, don't try to slow me down / you're not the only one that's on my mind / Got enough to go around / if you can't take it, you'll be left behind / Gotta loosen up, drain the cup / it's time to tear it up"

In my previous post, I said I felt my phone should have a breathalyser on it so that I couldn't send drunken texts to anyone. This may have been a bit prophetic.

My Festive lay (as Miss P dubbed him), who I admitted I wasn't really fussed about seeing again, texted me out of the blue yesterday as I was on the bus on the way home to my parents' for the night.

Little bit surprised, to say the least. Yeah, he'd asked for my number in the morning but that's the gentleman-ly thing to do, really (after drunken, horny shenanigans). I quickly read it then put my phone away, while idly wondering why he's telling me he was away skiing and he'll give me a call when he's recovered from the physical exertion of the trip.

5 minutes later, a thought occured to me.

"No. Surely not..."

Phone back out, and into the trusty (and unforgiving - unless Drunk Mich plays a prank on Sober Mich and deletes things) 'Sent Items' folder... scrolling frantically... and there it is. I sent him a text on Tuesday when I was pished. At 4 o'clock in the afternoon. Dear God.

And then I quickly put my phone away again, in case the person behind me on the bus was reading the text over my shoulder and thought I was a dirty stop-out (which is really not the case, because I happened to sleep in my own bed on the night in question :P).

And after that, I found that I'd been texting the girl I'd apparently had the date with but who couldn't make it so had texted to apologise and ask if we could reschedule. Drunk Mich gets around, text-wise. And unless Drunk Mich wanted to protect Sober Mich from additional hurt and disappointment, I don't appear to have texted anyone else (i.e. the one who is undeserving and no longer even gets a nickname on the blog) while angling for a shag. Go me!

So... I don't know. Will have to wait and see what happens, I suppose (with regards to Festive Lay AND with Date Girl. Hey, I'm single - no judging!).

This is my fear: that to be with me, beer goggles are required! Lol

Can't we just rewind to Hogmanay and start again?

2011-01-04T11:45:00.000Z

This had better not be a 'start as you mean to go on' kinda thing, I swear to God.

4 days into 2011 and already I've been stood up, I guess you could say (my own fault - I should never have expected anything less from the prick), and I myself could have very nearly stood up someone else if they hadn't texted me last night to apologise and say we'd have to reschedule our drink / date.

Well, I was a bit drunk when we'd been texting over the weekend, and we'd talked about meeting but I didn't recall having specified a time or day or place - something which appears to be proved by a thorough and frantic search of my 'Sent Messages' folder on my phone.
Feel *slightly* guilty, though, as I was apologised to and thanked for being so understanding about it all. Yeah, no problem, honestly!

Moral of the story: my phone should have a breathalyser for when I'm trying to chat up nice people via text, and some sort of 'automatic 12 or 24 hour lockdown' feature as soon as I get a message from someone who has already proven on more than one occasion that they are a prick.

Right, I'm off to watch Ab Fab and indulge in some serious self-medication (I bought 2 litres of vodka yesterday before the VAT increase. Wish it had occurred to me sooner).

Also, if anyone happens to know of any hippy communes that I can run away to, then drop me a line. I'm not even really kidding anymore, to be honest.

Merry Xmas, Happy Saturday

2010-12-27T17:09:00.000Z

drinking: Of course. Been steadily working my way through whatever booze my parents have here since Christmas Eve.
listening to: Manic Street Preachers - Everything Must Go
choice lyrics: "I look to the future, it makes me cry / but it seems too real to tell you why / Freed from the century / with nothing but memory, memory"

Well, troops, hope you all had a Merry Xmas or Happy Saturday (for the non-Christians or athiests amongst you).

I really hope that Santa was good to you all. As expected, I got some money from my parents - but only because I'm one of those annoying people that's difficult to buy for, because we never know or think that there's anything in particular that we want or need. So the money I'll put towards either a tattoo, Festival ticket (hello, Download 2011) or a much-needed holiday. Haven't decided yet.

Speaking on a more personal level (i.e. TMI - Too Much Information), I guess I could say that I got an early Xmas present (or late Solstice / Yule present, depending how we're looking at it). Yes, folks, Mich somehow ended up getting some action on Thursday night. After nipping into the pub I used to work in, no less - quite a feat considering the average age of your normal customer there. 'Old man's pub' is the general description I give of the place when folk ask of my bartending experience.

It's almost like some sort of prophecy, given my last post about waxing and what-not... perhaps my subconscious somehow KNEW that it would be required. I certainly hadn't gone in with the intention (trust me - if I was looking for a date or a shag, I would NOT head into my old place of work), so... *shrugs*.

Just a one night thing, and he wasn't a creep or a sleaze, or feeding me lines or making empty promises - and it's obviously what I was / am needing. It's no one I can get attached to.

Granted, he apparently stays a street or two away from me - although he'd never gone into the pub before - but I've no intention of seeing him again. I did like the whole 'someone rolling over to cuddle and wanting to hold you' in the morning thing, though.

Although when I have a proper look around my room when I get back to the flat (I'm at my parents' right now), I'm going to find his sock. He found one but couldn't locate the other, so I gave him one of my black ones. Bless him, he did the whole 'hey, what's your number?' thing, but I'm genuinely not wanting or expecting to hear from him.

To help yourself get over someone, get under someone else. If that doesn't work, then get blitzed.

Which, I'm pleased to report, I am doing with gusto (the boozing, not the shagging. For the time being, anyways).

Roll on 2011, this year's been fucking pish.

TMI - the 'ewww, dude!' one

2010-12-22T21:47:00.005Z

drinking: vodka! Glen's. I still say it tastes different. I really might email and ask what the hell they've changed...
listening to: Manic Street Preachers - Stay Beautiful
choice lyrics: "Babes on the run with poisoned lips / wrap your arms around this everlasting kiss / Clinging to your own sense of waste / all we love is lonely wreckage"

Well I must be feeling a little bit upbeat and positive (or optimistic to the point of foolishness) since I've decided to try and wax my legs (... wtf, home wax strips are BAWS. These are my only experience of waxing. Funny story - very first time I ever tried waxing my legs at home, my brother had to help because I put the first strip on then was too afraid to rip it off. Yep, I called my brother through to the room and asked him to tear the wax strip off my leg for me. He did (bless!) and I realised it wasn't actually that painful and I could carry on myself).

I've also - against my reasoning that I need all the insulation I can get - decided to 're-hire the gardener'. Y'know ... down there? You with me? Wish you hadn't read this? Yeah, the title is the title for a reason, my dear :P

Needing to keep warm because of the winter temperatures is also my reason for not exercising and not eating sensibly at the moment. I know I'm not hibernating (although I wish I was), but there is no point in being skinny with little body fat in this weather because you will probably catch hypothermia. Hell, I'm already carrying a few extra pounds and I'm STILL having to routinely wear 2-3 layers of clothes every day - including when I'm indoors, regardless of having heating or not.

Anyway, why all of a sudden am I resuming this additional act of personal grooming, that has only been necessary or important before due to dalliances with a certain someone?

I've got no fucking idea, and dalliances (or horizontal 'hello's) with that particular someone are definitely not on the cards anymore.

Maybe it's my intuition telling me something.

Maybe deep down I want to try and make that dalliance happen.

Maybe my subconscious is a total bitch, and wants my fanny to be cold.

Who knows.

this is... new.

2010-12-18T22:15:00.000Z

drinking: No. Purely because I couldn't be bothered putting on my wellies, scarf and jacket to go out into the freezing cold to get to the off-licence down the street.
listening to: Mariah Carey - All I Want For Christmas Is You
choice lyrics: "'Cause I just want you here tonight / holding on to me so tight / What more can I do? / Baby, all I want for Christmas is you"

I think there are 3 different girls on a dating / friendship website who seem to like me and who may not be averse to the idea of meeting for a drink / date.

This is, quite franky, rather astonishing.

And also - perhaps - just confirms that no matter how crap you look and fucked up you are, the internet can apparently still make you somewhat endearing to others!

take the past, burn it up and let it go

2010-12-14T20:22:00.002Z

drinking: ... no, bizarrely. Even though it might help.
listening to: Papa Roach - To Be Loved
choice lyrics: "I've got another confession, I fell into temptation / and there is no question, there was some connection / I've gotta follow my heart no matter how far / I've gotta roll the dice / never look back and never think twice"

I'm cold, and I haven't been sleeping properly for the past few days (interrupted sleep due to some weird bloody dreams).

In other words, I am a grumpy bunny.

I hadn't been on one of my dating profiles in a few days, and found 8 (EIGHT?! Jeebus) new messages from folk. Wow, check me out! Okay, one was from a woman saying she was wondering if I'd be interested in 'dating' her and her boyfriend (erm... what?)... but I politely replied and said I was flattered but not interested, because I don't like sharing. Which, in all honesty, is true. I'm far too territorial to even consider anything resembling an open relationship.

Wait... just got a 2nd message from a different woman with a profile saying she wants to find a girl to help 'seduce her boyfriend' for a birthday surprise for him. Umm... no? Not even going to bother replying to that one, I think...

You know what, if it floats your boat that's fine. But I'd be devastated if someone I was in a relationship with wanted to sleep with someone else - whether or not I was going to be included. Just sayin'.

Something I'm REALLY curious about, though, is the TERRIBLE ad placement on that site. It's quite clearly 'female seeking female' that has been entered when I've submitted my search and created a profile; it's only girls' profiles that are being displayed to me... and yet ALL of the sponsored ads are for other dating sites to meet GUYS.

Subliminally trying to convert gays, Internet? Tut tut, shame on you.

the TMI one you'll wish you'd never read

2010-12-11T14:03:00.000Z

... and that I'm probably going to delete later. Seriously. I honestly wouldn't read on. If you do, on your own head be it. It's longwinded and has WAYYY too much information than you want to know in one part. And (as per usual) it's all self-indulgent pish.

drinking: Last can of Advent Cider. I overdid it on Thursday night, so going to try and take it easy this weekend.
listening to: Linkin Park - Crawling (I know, it's like I'm 15 again)
choice lyrics: "This lack of self-control I fear is never-ending / Controlling, I can't seem / To find myself again, the walls are closing in / (without a sense of confidence and I'm convinced that there's just too much pressure to take) / I've felt this way before, so insecure"

So, Thursday was a mixture of:

'oh well, hello!'

'la lala lala - these tunes are fucking magic!'

'it's so great that I've managed to have another person in the office with me today'

'oh my god, oh my god, oh my god - the structure and stability of the website are falling down around my ears; I want to hide under the desk and close my eyes until it goes away'

Still want to go on?

The sordid details (except work-related stuff. I never mention specifics for that) follow:

Thursday morning, woke up. Girl wet dream. Wtf. Very vivid, as well. Dreamt I'd met a girl at a club (and a couple of guys had slipped me their numbers - hahaha, HUGE indication of how it was a dream! Pfffft) , and with her friend we went back to her place (in Tarbert? What?! In my dream we took a quick taxi trip, but seriously... HERE! You can see on the map, it can't be done!). Deeds were done (the other girl left during it - clearly didn't want a threesome), then the girl I had been with seemed huffy and left the room, then her brother and his pal was there?

Then my Mum and Dad picked me up in their car (Dad was VERY pissed off) and we drove for a wee bit then it turned into this amazing wooden resort-type place with ponds and walkways, with dozens of birds - like a falconry: eagles and owls and what-not. We kept calling it the 'Camera Obscura'.

Now, the only Camera Obscura that I know and have ever been to, is a shop in Edinburgh. So this is very random. My half-assed internet searches have come up with NOTHING in regards (WITH regards? God knows, my grammar is shite) to a Camera Obscura in Tarbert. On another island, yes. Not there, though.

Next bit:

80s tunes on Yahoo Launchcast. Bloody brilliant. Pop stuff, of course, and some New Wave, but it had Billy Idol, Journey and Whitesnake on it as well - it bloody ROCKED!

Work:

A glitch. So tiny. So small, that it's never presented itself before because there has never been such a scenario that it can fuck everything up.

That's now been fixed, but I was freaking out in anticipation of clearing up the mess. The huge... HUGE fucking mess... Things that SHOULD have been showing on the website... weren't. Folk were still calling or emailing us - oblivious - telling us to put THIS on or take THAT off - and we were going 'Yeah, sure! We'll do that'... when it wasn't even fucking THERE for us to update or change!

Since Tuesday, I'd been the only person from my team (department, whatever) who had been in the office, taking the phonecalls and doing what I can. Thankfully (really, THANKFULLY!) my colleagues had been able to do work from home - we can all access the website and emails from home (Praise Jeebus)... but Thursday... God. I don't even want to talk or think about it anymore.

Miraculously, as much as I'd been dreading yesterday - it was all sorted, sanity saved by the fact that EVERYONE had made it in to the office - yayy, I wasn't alone! Took two of us awhile to double check that everything that had been restored looked right and previous changes we'd made were still in place, but we got there in the end. And best of all, I didn't have to track down the I.T. guys to try and commit acts of violence against them.

So it's here that I leave you - I had a wet dream, decent morning, then shit afternoon. Then I got completely shitfaced, ended up playing dominoes in the pub, and decked it in the bathroom... but at least aches and pains are now my only current concerns.

Oh, did I add in that my subconscious has been fucking with me again, and that I STILL can't get the Bad Boy (no! He doesn't deserve a fucking link anymore) out of my head? I'm actually seriously considering using some hocus pocus just to make myself stop feeling the way I do.

The whole 'maintaining radio silence' thing wasn't really obvious. Until I realised later on. And it was happening again.

But then I got a text from him yesterday, apologising for not having texted back properly when I'd been texting him to let him know I was going to drop off the keys in the pub, please text Dad or myself if any mail comes, blah blah blah. Which has proven to be detrimental to my plans for putting an end to my infatuation. Bastard.

Everyone, my apologies for this rant. It's probably going to get deleted anyway, but I always feel a bit guilty when I have no 'funny haha' things to post. Y'know. Uplifting, or whatever.

At least the cunting snow is going away for now, eh?

I want to fly and run until it hurts...

2010-12-07T20:57:00.001Z

drinking: YES. Half bottle of Glen's vodka, which... doesn't taste quite right. Should I email them to ask if they've changed the distilling process at all?
listening to: Manic Street Preachers - Australia
choice lyrics: "Praying for the wave to come now / this must be for the very last time / It's twelve o'clock 'til midnight / there must be someone to blame"

Work. Is. Hell. After New Year I'm going to lie and tell them I've moved back to my parents'. This 'living in the City Centre and a 10 minute walk away from the office' pish meant that I was asked to go in today while everyone else stayed inside and worked from home.

Only for a couple of hours, I was told. Fair enough. But I didn't leave until after 6pm and didn't have an actual lunch break. Granted, it was my choice. But to be perfectly honest - since I had to re-record the voicemail message AND give out MY number for businesses to call if it was urgent and they couldn't just email - then I was better off just staying in there where it was a bit warmer and I would have to endure all the bloody phonecalls anyway. And I, thankfully, wasn't alone. My colleague who is in a different 'team' as it were was in today so we kept each other company and she kept helping me out - bloody angel that she is.

To be honest, I like helping out people when I can. But when I'm put into a position where I have absolutely no right to refuse, and therefore have no actual choice in the matter, then I just get resentful. Like today. There's no one else to ask, but it's EXPECTED of me anyway - they know that I can't say no. And this will NOT be the last time I'm asked for something like this because 'oh well she's in the City Centre, we'll just ask her'.

*sigh*

I've never been more aware of how lucky it is that I haven't been able to save money properly and that I can't drive. Otherwise I'd be out of here like a fucking shot.

Mind you, I had the chance of that a couple of months ago but loyalty to my colleagues and my refusal to quit without adequate notice meant that particular escape plan was sunk.

I want to run away. Who's with me?

The only stipulations are that we must go somewhere with NO snow. Last time I checked, satellite photos showed that the South-West of the Republic of Ireland was pretty clear. Any other suggestions?

I keep my distance, but you still catch my eye...

2010-12-06T21:03:00.000Z

drinking: Why, yes I am! Some cider from the advent calendar that amazingly escaped the Friday / Saturday bender. Drunk me even opened them in numerical order. I have a mingled sense of pride and disappointment.
listening to: James Dean Bradfield - Last Christmas (Wham cover)
choice lyrics: "Now I know what a fool I've been / but if you kissed me now I know you'd fool me again"

It's an excellent start to the week when 3 hours into your shift it's decided that the snow is far too heavy for anyone to be certain what transport is going to be like in the evening, and everyone is to head back to their prospective places of residence and work from home instead.

Not bad, you'd think. Except my flat is colder than the office. And I was home within 15 minutes whereas by finishing time (17:30), I'm pretty sure that not all of my colleagues had successfully made it back home yet. In fact I have a horrible feeling that one may still be stuck on a bus on the motorway.

Reviewing the texts that were sent back and forth between myself and one of the girls in my team / department (haha - department. There's bloody 4 of us!), it is pretty obvious that the word of the day is PISH. Examples of some phrases uttered today:

'This weather is pish.'
'I'm left doing this pish while you're still stuck on a bus.'
'What pish is that cunt saying now?'

And so on.

(You can totally tell how enamoured I am with my job, at times).

Speaking of feelings of an amorous nature, since the Universe is being a cunt and not letting me get OVER a bastard nor get UNDER him, I'm going to try and seriously move on. Which will be super interesting considering I've been failing so miserably at it for... how long? February?

The method to my madness is by basically dropping off the keys for his flat that my Dad had been given when he briefly (weirdly) was renting a room there. Drop off the keys, smile and ask that he just text my Dad to let him know if any mail comes, and then leave. It's my plan.

It'll work. It HAS to work, I financially and physically can't keep up the amount of drinking required to forget this pish!

Open letter to the Universe and the Internet

2010-12-01T23:08:00.001Z

Dear Universe and Internet,

Karma, I should maybe cc you in here too...

I don't believe in coincidences...therefore, I KNOW that someONE, someTHING is actively trying to mess with my head and hinder my attempts and getting up and moving on.

Now, I'm not pointing fingers, but Universe - I'm looking at you. Either you, or the internet. One of you. Don't care who, but just fucking stop it. Seriously not cool. And Karma, if it's you... then give me a fucking break and let me deal with this shit in another lifetime.

Kind Regards,

Mich

remind me why I'm doing this?

2010-11-29T22:04:00.004Z

drinking: hell yes. Firing into the Festive cider.
listening to: AFI - The Despair Factor
choice lyrics: "Along the path where the stream is talking / I breathe the mist and continue walking / The wood it whispers in a language of it's own"

I broke into my advent calendar. To be honest, Winter Solstice is on the 21st, so taking the cans of cider numbered 21-24 won't REALLY matter. At least I haven't touched my Spongebob calendar yet! :)

Hands up who remembers me gibbering on about dipping my toes back into the waters of the 'online dating' world? I'm not surprised you'd forgotten, I'd signed up then pretty much neglected it. But now... NOW... I have a little profile. I have EVEN... added a photo (it's not great but it's one where I don't look completely pissed, so that's a positive right there. And I have NEVER put a photo onto a dating site profile before).

I have responded to a 'wink' from someone (by winking back... that's what you do, right?). I have EVEN gone and 'wink'ed at somebody else.

One day, I'll be able to do this pish in real life. Once I stop being a social misfit hung up on a complete prick who doesn't want, nor deserves me.

Wow, pissy Mich butted in there. My temper really IS nearer the surface these days. Maybe Santa should bring me more laidback, stress-free disposition. They have those in my size, right? :P

Excuse me, flirty Mich is back and ready to wink at more randoms that appeal to her...

P.S. I need thoughts and opinions, troops - on a scale of 1 to 'shameless hussy', how bad would it be if I also set up an online dating account on a different website saying I was interested in men? My current one says I'm interested in women, it wouldn't let me say 'both'... lol

I've buried all my hatchets, but I've sharpened my knives

2010-11-27T18:31:00.001Z

drinking: Echo Falls, red. I have 3 bottles of wine in total, which I hope to drink until I pass out and / or forget how lonely I am sometimes.
listening to: My Ruin - American Psycho
choice lyrics: "The machine has left me scarred / scared by it's insanity / I've burned too many bridges to pretend to be holy"

I'm a sad, sulky panda. Think I've managed to accidentally piss off a couple of people by being either uncharacteristically blunt (the temper is a bit closer to the surface, these days), giving unwanted advice (sometimes I can't help myself), or just by being fucking annoying (I do this pretty well, even more so when I've had a few drinks).

I've got an unfortunate habit of losing friends and alienating people - although in the past few years it's something that thankfully doesn't happen quite so much. I've got too much pride and a genetic disposition towards holding grudges, and it's not really a great combination - on top of the rest of my negative traits.

I still think it's a miracle I have any friends, to be honest. Sucks a bit that two of them (and their girlfriends, who I also consider friends) don't actually live in Glasgow. One of my best friends is now down in Liverpool. I don't know. I guess I just don't get a chance to see the people I want to, as much as I want to.

Clearly I need more distractions. And hugs. For a delirious moment I wondered if it was possible to hire people just to share a bed with you and cuddle you. Then I realised that some would consider that some type of non-sexual prostitution. And it reeks of desperation so much that it pains me to even admit to having considered it.

Roller Derby would keep me busy and occupied, but it's a world that includes one or two people that I really don't want to have to see.

When I was younger I kept trying to get a band together. I can't play any instrument remotely well, which left me with singing. I'm not actually that good; I can maybe hold my own at karaoke, but I think being told too many times by the ex that I wasn't good and to shut up (well, I was normally drunk) has probably made me less inclined to sing publicly. Sober, at any rate. The lyrics I wrote were self-indulgent, teenage angst... so God knows what pish I'd try to cobble together nowadays.

Meh. I prefer being frisky Mich. :(

behold! My advent calendar...

2010-11-24T19:50:00.003Z

drinking: damn right, I've earned it. Hello there, Valencia red!
listening to: Santana feat. Rob Thomas - Smooth
choice lyrics: "And it's just like the ocean under the moon / well it's the same as the emotion that I get from you / You've got the kind of lovin' that can be so smooth, yeah / gimme your heart, make it real / or else forget about it"

I know. If I'd had any tinsel or glitter then it'd be even more bitchin'.

you can call it another lonely day

2010-11-23T21:01:00.004Z

drinking: Nope. Although I might end up nipping down to the off-licence... we'll see how much self-control I have.
listening to: NOFX - Go Your Own Way (Fleetwood Mac cover)
choice lyrics: "Lovin' you isn't the right thing to do / how can I ever change things that I feel? / If I could, baby I'd give you my world / but how can I, when you won't take it from me?"

Well, further to last night's post I have come to the conclusion that I can't explain why I still want the Bad Boy (maybe it's the good sex? You know what, that probably is all it boils down to. Wouldn't at all surprise me).

Even after watching his Facebook argument and subsequent slagging match descend into what I can only describe as the online equivalent of Car Crash Television - it's happening, you can't believe it's happening, and you really don't want to bear witness to it but you just can't help but watch on in some kind of numb astonishment.

It was so bad that I actually texted him to suggest he stay off Facebook and let things cool off before he said something to someone else that he'd regret. In all, I texted him 3 times - not telling him what to do, but making a point of saying it was unsolicited advice and not a criticism - then finally pretty much begging him to log off as things were getting out of hand.

The reason I texted to begin with, was because (in my infinite wisdom) I kinda hoped that he'd be really rude or tell me to fuck off - thus, making me not like him anymore. Alas, didn't happen. Yes folks, THAT'S how desperate I'm getting - like poking an already angry dragon with a big fuck-off stick.

So... bit of an eye-opener in that respect. And yet, like the total eejit I am, my feelings haven't really changed. Slightly more wary, but on the very few occasions that I've seen him totally drunk he's been perfectly charming - a little annoying - but not at all volatile, arrogant, or picking fights. Ho hum.

I'm guessing that lust / sex is my weakness.

Is there anything (or anyONE, as it seems to be in my case) that you guys just can't say 'No' to?

remember why, we're just friends

2010-11-22T20:39:00.000Z

drinking: liquid comfort blanket to save the dayyyyyy! I don't understand how tee-total people cope with real life and feelings and all this shit, I really don't.
listening to: My Ruin - Close Your Eyes
choice lyrics: "This place is hell to me and I can never get no sleep / there's a devil in my bed with me whose talk is cheap / You feel like heaven to me, all I wanna do is sleep / you're like an angel lying next to me, you look so sweet"

Regarding the Bad Boy: I've been telling myself over and over, 'He's a prick, get over him'. My friends have been telling me, 'He's a prick, he doesn't deserve you anyway'.

I've been listening to Weezer 'Why Bother?' over and over - it's even now set as his ringtone, on the off-chance he's drunk and decides to call me at 1am (it had previously been The Donnas 'Wasted' - man, that song title was way too accurate).

Not once have I tried to ignore any of his faults or flaws. I've admitted myself that it really wouldn't work out. I'm doing my best to convince myself that He really isn't someone I want to be with, and I'm finding it goddamn impossible.

Even when I stumble upon a pretty ugly Facebook argument he's having with someone, and it's pretty clear that he's in the wrong and should be ashamed of how he's acting...

I still want the bastard.

I'm trying to understand why I feel this way, and I've thought of some possibilities:

+ I've got that delusional 'oh I can change him!' thing that some people get.
No. I know myself it's not that because who am I to try and change anyone? If anything, I quite like the spontaneity and occasional boozy recklessness he has. Is it me wanting to join in and relive the misbehaviour of my college years? Perhaps. Glad that he might be someone who wouldn't try to curb my drinking? I think so.

+ I've got some sort of Freudian 'Girl wants a version of her Daddy' issue.
I really don't think so. Yes, Dad and the Bad Boy both support the same football team. Dad isn't quite so into it nowadays, but he used to be. And yes, they've both had a few run-ins with the police, and it's not unknown for them to have indulged in the old Mary-Jane (check me and my weed lingo!). Bad Boy can be quite laidback and 'go with the flow', whereas with Dad every holiday was a nightmare before we even set foot outside the door to travel to our destination. Stressful, shout-y, short-tempered... not pleasant at all.
Quite frankly, when I recognised some of my Dad's traits when I was with my ex, that was part of the reason why I ended the relationship - I had no choice but to put up with some things when I was growing up, so I wasn't going to endure it again.

+ Maybe I want to look after him?
I don't think I want to be the person he calls when he's at a police station. Or the one who has to intervene if he's drunk and being obnoxious to someone. Or the one who tries to have him make amends for people he's fallen out with for no good reason. Nah, for one thing he's a grown man. And for another, I'm not his Mum.

+ Maybe it's because I KNOW it wouldn't work, and I want to prove myself wrong.
Hmm. Could be onto something here...

Part of me is slightly worried about what stupid thing he's going to have to do to make me snap out of this.

And, again, up he comes on my Facebook feed just while I'm trying to get him out of my head.

The Universe hates me, it really does.

Like Carlito's Way, there are no exit signs

2010-11-21T17:19:00.005Z

drinking: Not yet but I'm going to be. I've had a bottle of vodka since Thursday which has remained unopened. Fuck setting a new personal record, I have some feelings to drink away.
listening to: Manic Street Preachers - Black Dog On My Shoulder
choice lyrics: "Am I coming home to you again / or am I stupid just by design? / Does it matter if you really ever know / this black dog is out of control"

How wonderful. The familiar symptoms of depression have begun to surface again. Don't worry, though; I'm doing my damnedest to keep that Black Dog OFF my shoulder.

This has coincided with me realising that a lot of the time, a love interest will come along when you're NOT looking for it. Shan't continue with the dating site then, I suppose (I was a bit gutted - there was one girl I really really liked the sound of, and by the time I got up the courage to set about sending her a message, she deleted her profile. Clearly I'm not supposed to be with the people I want. Fuck you, Universe).

I have a lot more nonsense going round my head just now, but suddenly I've lost all desire to talk about it.

Vodka, I'm a-coming.

I believe in in dragons, good men, and other fantasy creatures.

2010-11-18T22:02:00.000Z

drinking: No. I had mulled wine at the Christmas Market, though... and really wish I had more.
listening to: All-American Rejects - Womanizer (Britney Spears cover)
choice lyrics: "Daddy-o, you got the swagger of a champion / too bad for you, you just can't find the right companion / I guess when you have one too many / makes it hard, it could be easy / Who you are, that's just who you are baby"

I'm afraid I can't take credit for the post title. Apparently it was a header on someone's profile on a dating site... although I do think my favourite has to be 'Willing to lie about how we met!'. :D

I can't say I'm at all familiar with the new era of dating sites. When I was 18 I signed up for Yahoo's dating site, and yeah I ended up dating a guy very briefly who I'd met through it. I actually also met a couple of my exes online as well through band websites or Faceparty (that still exists, right?). You know how it goes, you see a profile, you think the person seems pretty cool and so you send them a message to say hi, and it can go from there.

That was a few years ago, though, and I'm making my first foray back into the whole thing now. It's gotten a tad... overwhelming, however. There are so many different sites - all promising to help connect you with good-looking, vivacious and charismatic individuals who could maybe even be your soulmate! Too good to be true, eh? And of course there's the 'profiting from people's loneliness' thing. Capitalism and consumerism has totally cornered the lonely hearts market, it seems. Just delightful.

All I need to figure out is how to...

1. Sell myself without coming across as sex-crazed or antisocial. Both of which I am, occasionally, but on no account must potential partners see the real you! According to Black Books, anyway...

2. Find a decent picture which is flattering but also an accurate representation. And also where I'm not three sheets to the wind (I don't think there are any pictures of me on Facebook where I'm completely sober...)

3. Achieve success without actually spending any money. Yes, I'd like to be happy and meet potential girlfriends (off boys, currently), but I'd rather not part with any cash in the process.

Bloody hell, I'd be better off just getting up the courage to go into one of the gay bars on my own. I don't mind going into pubs without any friends or if there's no one there I know, but if there's a reason like this for going... then I'm a lot more self-conscious and less relaxed.

Anyone got a nice male or female friend or relative who you think would like me? Come on, I'm a total catch!

Yuletide yearnings...

2010-11-14T17:25:00.001Z

drinking: no. Although I think I want to be. I'd love some mulled wine, actually. Roll on Christmas Market time!
listening to: Letters To Cleo - Cruel To Be Kind (Nick Lowe cover)
choice lyrics: "Well I do my best to understand, dear / but you still mystify, and I wanna know why / I pick myself up off the ground / to have you knock me back down, again and again"

Well given that it's getting colder, and I really can't ignore all the tinsel and other festive trappings, I have now come to accept that Christmas is on the way and Winter has truly arrived (although thankfully we've had no snow... yet).

And with this acceptance comes a change in my computer desktop picture - something suitable for the season...

A peaceful, snowy village. One day I'll live somewhere like this...

Not many people know this, but I often pick out Christmas cards purely because the picturesque snow-covered thatched cottage on the front is the kind of place I'd love to live.

There's been a few times I've gone into a card shop and end up standing in front of a display with similar cards, totally transfixed by them all.

And with Yuletide fast approaching, and an increasing number of my days spent bundled up in my cosy dressing gown (fuzzy-good-make-feel-nice), it's gotten me in the mood for some escapism in the form of the Harry Potter books. And of course the latest movie installment is released next week, so that will be... good, I hope. I do prefer the books, though.

I'd love to live in Hogsmeade. Or Godric's Hollow. Or The Burrow.

And I really really want to go to the Harry Potter themed section of Universal Studios in Orlando.

Yeah... hard to believe I'm 25 and not 10, isn't it?

I've also made a start on my Christmas shopping. Well, I've ordered my Mum's present online... that's it. I've texted my brother to demand he update his Amazon wishlist and email me the link, and have bemoaned the fact that our Dad is so difficult to buy for (well he is. He doesn't drink, doesn't really have time to watch DVDs - and is fussy about what he watches anyway, he doesn't really have time to read, either - but when he does it's only Glasgow crime books, and decent ones are few and far between).

Haven't got a clue what anyone else is getting. Or, for that matter, what I want to ask for. I know I was joking that I wanted the Scooby Doo Mystery Mansion playset (looks fun but I'd be bored after an hour), but realistically there's not really anything that I want.

Wait... that's a lie.

And Miss P... no need to start telling me what I should sing. I've got the video link right here.

And Glastonbury. I want to go back to Glastonbury. Even decided to upload the photos from my holiday there 2 years ago onto my Facebook. *sigh* Now at least that's a real place where I could live!

Alright, folks - who has ideas of what to buy the father who needs nothing, and if you ask will merely shrug his shoulders? I was thinking of getting my brother to chip in and we could buy him sort of 'driving experience' day with a Ferrari or something. Yay, nay?

OR... is there something for Christmas that you really want?

Out with the bullshit, in with the positivity

2010-11-01T09:11:00.006Z

drinking: Not yet. I'm definitely not a rum convert. Sure, I like the odd one... but if that's all I'm meant to drink in a night / weekend... God, no. I think it angries up the blood.
listening to: AFI - He Who Laughs Last
choice lyrics: "We've got a problem / first of all, there is no 'we', I'm detached from you completely / I've got a problem / you tell lies to my friends and think it won't get back to me"

As expected, Hallowe'en weekend went with more of a fizzle than a bang. Friday night - awesome. Saturday and Sunday... hungover and just chilling out, watching DVDs.

This is like my New Year (although I still embrace Hogmanay as an excuse to party as well), and so it's meant to be a time of reflection and remembrance, as well as (to me) setting goals for the next 12 months.

So without further ado...

+ I want to drink less (or more cheaply) so that I can travel more.
I miss Glastonbury so much at times, it's like an ache (I know, weird). I've never been somewhere where I've felt so relaxed and at peace - and with so many esoteric / new age / pagan shops.
I'd also like to visit Derry and Belfast again. Belfast, well I was there in August with Miss P. Haven't been to Derry in over 10 years, though - and it's where my Mum was born and lived and where that side of the family are from.
Also planning on going to Download Festival again, and my friend E and his girlfriend want me to go to Hellfest with them as well (which would be interesting, because the music is generally a lot more heavier than what I currently listen to).

Suffice to say, a bit of saving is going to be required if I want to achieve all of this! :)

+ I won't blindly trust people I probably shouldn't, especially when others have tried to warn me off.

listening to: Creedence Clearwater Revival - Bad Moon Rising
choice lyrics: "I hear hurricanes a-blowing / I know the end is coming soon / I fear rivers overflowing / I hear the voice of rage and ruin"

+ I won't let work stress get to me, or bring me down.
Easier said than done. Still think I'm going to need a Valium prescription so I can achieve this. I know it's all in the mind, but the work itself doesn't stress me - I get stressed at the anticipation of the humiliation and bollocking I'll get if it's not all done.

Fuck that. Keep on looking for jobs elsewhere. Slight payrise or not, there is no salary I could be given to justify having to work in that kind of atmosphere or with such an excessive workload.

listening to: Dead Kennedys - Take This Job and Shove It (Johnny Paycheck cover)
choice lyrics: "Paper cups, minimum wage / just walk on out the door / Take this job and shove it / I ain't workin' here no more"

+ I will try to motivate myself to eat more healthily and do that 'exercise' bollocks.
'Nuff said.

+ I will try to retain a positive outlook on things, but not to the point of foolish optimism.
Yeah, this one's mainly about the Bad Boy. *face palm*

Okay, I can't be bothered writing anything else just now. Partly because this is way too much thinking for me on my precious day off, and partly because I've got someone checking my blog around 3/4 times a day, who - at the moment - I want nothing to do with anymore and would rather not dwell on it. Fresh starts, and all that!

Arrrr!

2010-10-29T18:26:00.007+01:00

drinking: Sailor Jerry and Coke. I'm a pirate, I have to drink rum! Arrr!
listening to: Dropkick Murphys - I'm Shipping Up To Boston
choice lyrics: "I'm a sailor peg / and I lost my leg / I climbed up the topsails / I lost my leg"

Now, I hardly have a whole weekend of Hallowe'en festivities planned. Although there is a fancy dress joint-birthday shindig in a couple of hours that I'm going to. And tomorrow I'm possibly going to my pal's burlesque show, and was hoping to go for a few drinks after (but we'll see what happens). As for Sunday? God knows. If I don't get to wear my pirate outfit for at least 2 days this weekend, I'm going to be very upset.

Considering the weather, and that the lower half of my costume consists of shorts and fishnets, this will be interesting. And potentially hypothermic. So long as any booty plundered is worth it... :P

All a pirate needs is rum, a dagger, and her Jolly Roger (giggity)

It's also occurred to me that as well as being expected to drink rum and leer at women (and men) as a pirate, there's a chance I can use some pirate-themed chat-up lines on folk... and possibly do so without being accused of sexual harrassment!

Fucking sweet. We'll see how it all turns out, though. Don't want to go getting my hopes or expectations up.

Pirate booty! :P

So c'mon troops, what's your Pirate Personality, eh? My results are below :)

You are The Quartermaster

You, me hearty, are a man or woman of action! And what action it is! Gruesome,
awful, delightful action. You mete out punishment to friend and foe alike
– well, mostly to foe, because your burning inner rage isn’t
likely to draw you a whole lot of the former. Still, though you may be
what today is called “high maintenance” and in the past was
called “bat-shit crazy,” the crew likes to have you around
because in a pinch your maniacal combat prowess may be the only thing
that saves them from Jack Ketch. When not in a pinch, the rest of the
crew will goad you into berserker mode because it’s just kind of
fun to watch. So you provide a double service – doling out discipline
AND entertainment.

What's Yer Inner Pirate?
brought to you by The Official Talk Like A Pirate Web Site. Arrrrr!

Oh. My. Frigging. God.

2010-10-27T22:53:00.003+01:00

This is quite possibly my most favourite cartoon episode EVER.

Don't even try to pretend it's not the most awesome thing you've ever seen.

trigger Confession time.

2010-10-26T22:29:00.001+01:00

listening to: Garbage - Bleed Like Me
choice lyrics: "Doodle takes dad's scissors to her skin /and when she does relief comes setting in / while she hides the scars she's making underneath her pretty clothes / she sings, 'hey baby can you bleed like me? / C'mon baby can you bleed like me?'"

Okay, I have a confession to make. It's not an amusing or happy-go-lucky one, so if you're here for a chuckle you'd best skip this post. For anyone familiar with the expression, this could be a trigger, so again - it'd be better if you didn't read this.

A few of my friends know that I used to self-harm when I was younger. For those of my friends that I've never openly spoken about it with, I think they could guess I used to judging from some of the scars on my arms.

I've been off anti-depressants for over 5 years - finding the right one that worked for me just wasn't happening. It's only been the past year or so that I've been genuinely comfortable with myself and happy and confident. For the past few months though I've noticed the familiar symptoms, and I've done my damnedest to distract myself and stay positive and upbeat and power through it. But I've had one or two particularly bad patches in the past month (I'm probably right in saying it's been exacerbated by work stress), and on my most recent one I ended up self-harming. For the first time in 5 years.

Nothing serious, just three stupid cuts which I took care of and cleaned up afterwards - a ritual I'd almost forgotten... and when I looked at myself in the mirror afterwards I was actually a little afraid of how my whole appearance seemed to have changed in a matter of minutes. Even my eyes seemed different. It sounds stupid, how could I not look the same?

Because I looked haunted. Like I was back in a place I didn't want to be in, and knew that I shouldn't have done what I'd done.

I struggled a bit with the idea of posting this publicly - I'm generally a pretty private person and don't like crying or admitting to weakness, and what good is it going to do anyone if I decide to admit my relapse and put a dampener on things?
I wasn't going to, but then I thought that there might be a slight chance that maybe someone else is having this problem right now. Sometimes it helps to know you're not alone, and that giving into that ugly temptation doesn't mean you're a failure or that you may as well ignore your previous efforts at avoiding it and just start doing it again.

Rather than using this as a reason to try and beat myself up even more, and just add to any emotional or mental lows that I'm experiencing right now, I'm taking it as a chance to reaffirm that this isn't something I want to get back into - and that I need to deal with what's making me so unhappy at times.

I lasted nearly 5 years without doing this, and on a whim I let myself (and probably my friends who experienced the same problem) down. But rather than letting myself slip back into such a horrible and self-destructive habit, I'm determined that this isn't going to happen again.

If I need to go back onto anti-depressants, so be it. In the meantime, I'll just do my best to tackle the areas that are making me unhappy and start fixing things that way.

Some sites offering self-harm help and support:

thesite.org
mind.org
helpguide.org

This isn't something I'm going to talk about again, but I doubt it would have done me any good either if I kept this a secret from everyone. I've held my hands up to it, acknowledged it, and I can move on.

Jesus Christ, do you think this is how AA meetings start?

waxing lyrical #4

2010-10-25T22:14:00.000+01:00

drinking: about to fire into the vodka. Just did 3 hours of work again at home. Pish.

Oh yes, time for another exciting instalment of 'What lyrics is Mich *really* identifying with right now?'.

Admit it, you're nearly peeing yourself with anticipation, aren't you? It's okay, we'll blame the puddles on the dog. Yes, my dog that lives with my parents about 8 miles away. It's okay, no one will know.

The Donnas - I Don't Want To Know (If You Don't Want Me)

"I have a shirt that belongs to you
and I use it to guess all the things you do
I've already met your Mom and Dad
said I'm the best one you never had
and I think you should really reconsider"

Another verse in the above song that I really love singing is: "I watched you through the window last night, and I thought I saw a girl in the candlelight. You think that's fair after all I've done? Restraining orders one by one, and I sure hope that was your sister."

Stalker much? Yes. Fun to sing? Yep.

HIM - Wicked Game (Chris Isaak cover)

"What a wicked game to play
to make me feel this way
What a wicked thing to do
to let me dream of you
What a wicked thing to say
you never felt this way
What a wicked thing to do
to make me dream of you"

"It's strange what desire will make foolish people do"... that could sum me up, actually... lol

Queens of the Stone Age - Go With The Flow

"She said 'I'll throw myself away,
they're just photos after all'
I can't make you hang around
I can't wash you off my skin
Outside the frame is what we're leavin' out
you won't remember anyway"

Queens of the Stone Age are one of my most-played bands right now. No idea why. Apart from them being awesome, of course.

The Buzzcocks - Ever Fallen In Love (With Someone You Shouldn't've)

"You disturb my natural emotions
you make me feel I'm dirt, and I'm hurt
And if I start a commotion
I'll only end up losing you
and that's worse"

I think we've all been here at one point or another. Fucking shit, isn't it? lol

Mantra - no self-destructive behaviour. Positive mental attitude. No self-destructive behaviour. Positive mental attitude.

Right, I'm off to finish the vodka.

the week's highlights

2010-10-23T11:35:00.001+01:00

drinking: red bush tea, soon to be followed by red wine.
watching: CSI, season 3. I love my flatmate and her amazing DVD collection.

This week, I have -

+ brought stuff home from the office so I could do extra work after my shift had finished. The office is so ridiculously busy right now, I felt that I had to help ease the backlog. And I know I'm not the only one doing it, but I'd really rather not do it again... despite assurances that I can either take the time back as holiday hours or get paid for it. Hmm. Decisions, decisions.

+ Met up with Miss P and got to meet another blogger - the lovely Dawn. A very friendly and funny girl - I think I was the envy of most of the guys in that bar for getting to hang out with not just one gorgeous blonde, but two! :D

+ When Miss P and I left the bar - on the right side of merry! - we decided that our mission was to get food. So we headed to a Mexican takeaway I quite like (quesadillas for the win!). Where I proceeded to try and persuade the guy behind the counter to accept mine and Miss P's mobile numbers in exchange for a big bag of jalapeños and a big bag of cheese.
I can't believe he didn't take us up on that. The poor fool!

+ Got a last-minute invite to the Joe Satriani gig at the Clyde Auditorium last night. My friend E was meant to go with his Uncle and Dad, but his Uncle got bronchitis and his Gran died at the start of the week, so his Dad wasn't in the mood for the gig. So two spare tickets meant that his girlfriend and I accompanied him to the show. And it was a really great gig. Admittedly, a lot of guitar-wankery, but I can't deny the guys got serious talent.

Even got chatting to three Irish boys who were walking to the Auditorium like I was, and asked if they were going the right way. I love it when Irish boys talk to me. Second time this week that I've confused a native with my accent... mwahahaha!

And thou'st to blame!

2010-10-18T20:39:00.001+01:00

drinking: Dandelion & Burdock fizzy juice. Random? Yes. Yummy? Indeed. Just needs vodka.
listening to: Bon Jovi - You Give Love A Bad Name
choice lyrics: "An angel's smile is what you sell / you promised me heaven and put me through hell / Chains of love got a hold on me / when passion's a prison, you can't break free"

I really think that my levels of shame and awareness of what is appropriate conversation have gotten a bit 'out of whack', as the hip, young kids would say. Not that I'm particularly phased by it.

My unfortunate friends, on the other hand, probably feel differently. It's okay. I'm fairly certain I'll be normal again soon and shan't be a 24 hour TMI-bomb you're slightly afraid to read texts or email from. Promise.

Really, you can trust me.

I was a Rainbow, Brownie and a Girl Guide - what more do you want from me?!

A funny? You got it.

as found on Hark, A Vagrant. *snigger-eth*

Whatever words I say...

2010-10-15T22:22:00.004+01:00

listening to: Jack Off Jill - Lovesong (The Cure cover)
choice lyrics: "Whenever I'm alone with you / you make me feel like I am young again / Whenever I'm alone with you / you make me feel like I am fun again"

Miss P and I have a little arrangement now. Considering I've been encouraging her (and threatening to hack her work email) to try and pursue her Work Crush, and she has been telling me to admit to the Bad Boy that I do / possibly / may have feelings for him. Who the hell am I kidding, considering that for months I've been going on and on about him it's pretty bloody obvious that I do.

The agreement is, that if the Bad Boy responds to the text I sent him last night - or invites me over during the weekend, then I need to admit my feelings to him.

In a way it's cheating, because I honestly don't think I'm going to hear from him - therefore, don't need to admit my feelings.
On the other hand, if I do hear from him - I'll be getting some action, before possibly saying goodbye to it all if my feelings aren't reciprocated (which I sincerely doubt they will be. I don't think monogamy is really his bag, anyway... and I'm a bit too territorial to willingly share).

This is like a sort of sex / love Russian Roulette... I really feel like I should have been drinking more...

Totally.

2010-10-12T20:21:00.000+01:00

drinking: Tesco Value red wine. Litre carton, ohhhh yes.
listening to: Judas Priest - Living After Midnight
choice lyrics: "Living after midnight, rockin' to the dawn / lovin' 'til the morning / then I'm gone, I'm gone"

"I'm starting to think The only feelings I have anymore are drunk and hung over"
"you can't hurt those"

Rather than boring you all with my trials and tribulations, I have instead compiled a summary of the highs and lows I've had to endure since my last post...

Despair. Hopelessness. Drunk. Frisky. Reckless. Drunk. Relieved. Confused. Depressed. Lonely. Drunk. Hungover. Drunk. Chilled. Frisky. Stoned. Smitten.

Not forgetting...

Vodka. Cider. Lager. Rum. Ale. Absinthe. Guinness. Wine. I don't discriminate against alcohol.

Also managed to lose another pair of underpants last night. If I didn't know better I'd swear that the Bad Boy deliberately hides them. This is the third pair that I've lost after I've been at his - if I'm round there again then I'm going commando!

Is it South Park's Underpants Gnomes pinching my knickers? Dicks.

Went on a late night drive with the Bad Boy to Loch Lomond... very nice and relaxed - more so because I'd had a few drinks beforehand and also because of the roll-ups being smoked. Hot boxin' for the win.

I know, I know. I'm a lame-o. A lame-o that is possibly getting braver, though! This is what happens when you spend a few hours in the company of the awesome Miss P - sharing words of encouragement, jokes, inappropriate banter (including the moment a passing barman overheard the comment 'So long as there's not a fucking bite mark on my ass this time')... it's all good. And if it isn't, then it shall be. When I stop being a lame-o...

Hello, payday!

2010-09-29T00:11:00.000+01:00

drinking: I have been, yes. It's fucking magic. In a way I wish I had more, but then that would result in blackout Mich, and I don't like her that much. Purely because I never know what happens - although once or twice I've 'came to' during a blackout, and it's been AWESOME :D
listening to: lots of things.
choice lyrics: many, many words speak to me.

I've been paid - praise Ceiling Cat!

I'm actually not drunk. I'm the right side of merry, as they say. I'm psyching myself up for work tomorrow. Which is totally stupid if a hangover sneaks into the equation, I know. But, shut up - this is how I roll.

All I need now is for a wee text or phonecall, and tonight will be TERRIFIC TUESDAY.

*waits*

*waits a bit more*

Godammit.

Hello there, porn and batteries.

Hello, Autumn!

2010-09-26T13:45:00.000+01:00

drinking: Alas, no. Seriously short on cash. Roll on payday.
listening to: The Hellacopters - A Heart Without A Home
choice lyrics: "It's starting to show that I ain't been quite myself now / for quite a long time / And what looked like a thousand bucks / just turned out a dime"

Hello Autumn, very nice to see you! Please don't bring your pal rain to the party though... they're a total buzz-kill. Cheers!

One of my favourite websites to peruse every few months is Vanishing Tattoo. Specifically, the celebrities section which has galleries of various famous folk and their ink. Admittedly, I have no idea who some of the so-called 'celebs' are, but I roll with it anyway because I always like looking at other people's tattoos. Provided they aren't hackneyed, unimaginative, or lack any personal meaning. Then I just smile politely and go 'oh... how nice!'.

I still haven't done anything in terms of designs for the next tattoo I want - I have a rough idea and concept but just haven't tried to put it onto paper yet. I know that I'll probably be getting the thigh tattoo extended a bit, but it's not a massive priority.

Does anybody have a tattoo design that they'd like to get, but (for whatever reason) haven't done so yet? Or who's got a tattoo that I haven't seen yet? Give me picture links to check them out! :D

I know some people just don't see the appeal of tattoos (my Mum is one such person, but she understands that mine have meaning and I put a lot of thought into them), and so to you folk I ask if there's ever been a piece of tattoo artwork that you've seen and quite liked?

We're all friends here. Let's get some skin on show!

no definition in between

2010-09-22T21:36:00.001+01:00

drinking: no... trying to watch what I'm spending. Fuck it... off-licence, here I come!
listening to: Mötley Crüe - She Goes Down
choice lyrics: "Out in the back of my '58 Chevy / she said she'd do me no harm, no no / You know she makes me feel good / just like a bad girl should"

In work I often find myself saying out loud what I'd rather say to someone, as opposed to what my professional, written response should be.

My exasperated cry of: 'How can you NOT fucking understand this?!'
translates to something like: "We are sorry to hear that you are still experiencing difficulty with {whatever they're too technologically retarded to do}. To resolve the issue, please..."

Or when my anguished plea to Ceiling Cat: 'Please... stop them calling us! Why do you all have to talk to us NOW?!'
is swiftly covered with: "{Standard but friendly telephone greeting} Oh, hi! How are you? Oh sure I can do that for you right now! If there's anything else you need updated, just let us know. Take care, bye!"
*while resting my head on my notepad and using every fibre of my being to stop myself from crawling under the desk and refusing to come out*

What I say and what I mean? Two different things. Well, what I say and what I FEEL could be the more accurate description.

Perhaps it's like that age-old joke - what she / he says and what they really mean. Examples below:

She says: "I only like you as a friend."
She means: "There is no way in hell you're going to see me naked."

He says: "I’m not looking to be in a relationship right now."
He means: "Guilt-free sex for me!!"

He says: "I've never came from oral before."
He means: "I feel like I should say this, even if it isn't true."

She says: "You're the biggest I've ever been with."
She means: "I feel like I should say this, even if it isn't true."

He says: "Are you up to much later?"
He means: "I'm horny and this thing isn't going to suck itself."

She says: "Are you up to much later?"
She means: "I'm horny and this thing isn't going to fuck itself."

Okay, I have to admit - I can't say that the last one is me speaking on behalf of all females. Just me.

What about you, folks? Is there every anything you say or do to cover what you're REALLY thinking or feeling?

Let's all go be happy in front of some miserable people!

2010-09-21T19:11:00.003+01:00

Because I have nothing remotely interesting or exciting to say, and don't want to whine and bring anyone down... so found funny pics instead :D

not gonna listen to a word you say...

2010-09-20T20:10:00.005+01:00

drinking: the vodka I was going to fire through yesterday, but didn't. Clearly I knew on some level that today was going to be bad enough that I'd need it.
listening to: Poison Idea - Just To Get Away
choice lyrics: "Responsibility made me quit / I'm sick of this motherfuckin' goddamn shit / there's a road, beyond it lies I don't know / I just gotta run, I just gotta go"

If you're not happy, do something about it. If you're not happy, do something about it...

Work-wise... I'm jobhunting, and counting down the days (literally) until the stress and misery is going to resume.

Booze-wise... I've got every intention of cutting down on the alcohol and exercising instead, and all that pish (it would save money too). But when I get in from work I'm too wound up to exercise, and don't really have the motivation to do so. Why bother getting in shape if there's no one to appreciate it?

Sex-wise... absolutely nothing to report. Except I think that I'm starting to think I should properly name my vibrators just so that they feel appreciated.

POTENTIAL UPDATE ON WORK -

Just got a phonecall from a guy at a hotel on Bute that I applied to. Random as fuck? Yes. Slightly panicky and nervous? Yes. Have I been drinking? Yes. Researching the hell out of that place before he calls back to talk to me more? Indeed.

Apparently I have a great phone voice - hopefully I can convince him that I'm awesome and hot since apparently he didn't get the first email I sent with my CV and the photo attached (apparently my CV was in a format that they couldn't open... FUCK YOU .docx files!... and all you other places I applied to... would it have killed you to tell me that the format was shite?!).

Crap crap crap crap crap crap.

Yes.

2010-09-19T18:37:00.001+01:00

(917):

And I'm PMSing. So if I'm not crying, I'm masturbating.
--
(419):

The tornado sirens were going off and everyone just ran to the liquor store.
--
(519):

I asked you if you were ok and you said "dude I'm fine, I'm in the recovery position"

I heart textsfromlastnight.com. Truly, these are my people.

C'mon, lad, shiver me timbers!

2010-09-19T17:03:00.003+01:00

drinking: vodka and diet Irn Bru. Yarrrr.
listening to: Joan Jett & The Blackhearts - I Hate Myself For Loving You
choice lyrics: "Hey man, bet you can treat me right / you just don't know what you was missin' last night / I wanna see you beggin', say 'forget it' just for spite"

So I've been drinking since Friday night. I keep having these inadverent weekend benders, and it does result in me spending more money than I should. But to be perfectly honest I'm past caring.

Feeling sorry for myself? Check.

Saying for the umpteenth time that I'm done chasing the Bad Boy and I'm switching to girls full-time? Check.

Getting a ridiculous idea but (thankfully) having the sense not to pursue it? Check.

Hoping and praying that I manage to get a different job? Check.

Eating loads of junk food while saying that I'll start eating healthily and sensibly on Monday? Check.

It's what weekends are all about, surely?

Screw it, I'm tanning the rest of my vodka.

talking's fine, if you've got the time...

2010-09-16T19:33:00.002+01:00

drinking: Hmm no. I'm going to see how long I can hold out. I instinctively bought a bottle of vodka, though...
listening to: Joan Jett & The Blackhearts - Do You Wanna Touch Me (Gary Glitter cover... oh dear)
choice lyrics: "My, my, my, whisky and rye / don't it make you feel so fine / Right or wrong, don't it turn you on / can't you see we're wastin' time, yeah"

Well after yesterday's little 'drinking from 3:30am, then rushing home at 8:45am to get dressed and into the office for 9:00am' situation - I went straight to bed when I got home from work. I was EXHAUSTED - but hell, I'd do it again. I was even sensible and turned down the offers of 'we'll phone in sick for you!' when the alarms on my mobile went off and made me realise what time it was.

I'm a professional, me. Drinking before work, perhaps not so professional - but I made it in and survived. Score 1, Mich!

Things I learned yesterday:

+ when the Bad Boy gets drunk, he gets VERY drunk (well, if you're going to get shitfaced make sure you do it spectacularly).

+ he will sing. Loudly. Outside in the street and once he's inside. A Bon Jovi ballad was that night's / morning's choice (don't ask me what it was called, I don't listen to anything after the Crossroads compilation).

+ he will demand porn on TV is switched off, lest it offend me. Then put on a football DVD and ask if I'd shag the team manager if given the chance.

+ After I've had a couple of large vodkas myself, I have no shame in telling the Bad Boy's pal that he can have him back in half an hour as I take the Bad Boy by the hand and lead him to his bedroom (I know - classy bird, me).

+ Coca-cola as a mixer doesn't really agree with me, but it's all there was. And I thought that drinking vodka straight would have just been downright stupid considering it was a workday.

+ I also appear to have a fairly unique perspective on what is acceptable behaviour and what's not.

not somethin' real so I'd rather keep whackin'...

2010-09-15T12:48:00.002+01:00

drinking: water... I be in work. On a lunch break, mind. *groan*

listening to (in my head): Weezer - Why Bother?

choice lyrics: "I've known a lot of girls before / what's the harm in knowin' one more? / Maybe we could even get together / maybe you could break my heart next summer"

Clearly I have to work on my impulse control issues. Or my 'yes, I WILL use tonight to work out for once and all whether... blah blah blah' statements - which I should really learn to follow through on.

What did I do? Did I ask the Bad Boy outright if he liked me, or admit that I think I like him?

No.

Instead, I was texting him from about 11pm onwards while he was out getting drunk with his friend until finally I was convinced (by him AND his pal) to go round to his. So I've been up since 3:30am. After about 2 hours of restless sleep. Yep, I've been TOTALLY productive in terms of sorting out feelings and what-not.

So I've had 2 cans of Rockstar since 9am... before which I listened to hours of music, including Frank Zappa (don't ask) and Bon Jovi (they're big fans), and my time there also included me actually singing along to some acoustic guitar playing in front of the Bad Boy (he was completely pished, won't remember, so it doesn't count).

Gah. And I've managed to leave behind a pair of pants again - I couldn't bloody find them! Not to worry, though - I've texted him to say that I want them back and I'm not losing another pair to him.

Also, his pal told me that one of the Bad Boy's exes has the same name as me... hmm. I'm kinda hoping that wasn't the ex that I was trying to make him cheat on...

I could fall asleep at my desk right now. Roll on 5:30pm.

tryin' to get a message through...

2010-09-14T21:04:00.002+01:00

drinking: no, but the night is young - still time to get to the off-licence if needs be!
listening to: Bon Jovi - Runaway
choice lyrics: "No one heard a single word you said / they should have seen it in your eyes / what was goin' around your head"

Had the dentist today - ick. Just to confirm that yes I need a root canal and... oh cunt, I just realised I've scheduled it for the same day as a gig. Fuck. Shall be calling dentist tomorrow - there is no way I'm going out anywhere after being doped up to my eyeballs with anaesthetic!

Last night I think I started dreaming about (500) Days of Summer. Either that or Zooey Deschanel and Joseph Gordon-Levitt were in my dream for no goddamn reason *shakes fist - pesky kids! Get out of my subsconscious!*

The gorgeous Miss P, as some of you may already know, is suffering a little from one of those bloody pain-in-the-arse crushes that we get, where we can't quite decide if we're imagining the crush and if it would even be reciprocated... I demand you all go and give her a virtual hug RIGHT NOW. NOW, DAMMIT! *looks menacing*

There, that's better. Thank you.

Yeah - it SUCKS. I'm sorta there myself right now too - been here awhile actually, made myself a little too much at home rather than trying to find things out once and for all.

Perhaps it's been spurred on a little by the fact I was also at the sexual health clinic today - DON'T PANIC!! It's nothing bad, I just thought I'd get myself checked out (I couldn't do it last time because the antibiotics I was on from the dentist would have interfered with the results) and just to let them know that I'm still happy on the Dianette contraceptive pill (skin is slowly but surely improving, I think - hurrah!).

Well there was the standard 'Are you in a relationship?' question, along with the inevitable 'And you've been going out for how long?' at which point I had to stop and try to explain that the Bad Boy and I are just friends who get naked. Didn't matter apparently, as the very nice man at the clinic said as I was leaving 'Yeah, just phone us in 2 weeks for your results - and in the meantime get your man down here'.

*sigh*

when I'm good, I'm very good...

2010-09-13T19:48:00.000+01:00

drinking: no, I overindulged a bit at the weekend there. Ooft.
listening to: Clutch - The Mob Goes Wild
choice lyrics: "Bring it on home, spread the wealth / play it cool, the hand's been dealt / Now, all the odds are in our favour / save the victory speeches for later"

... but when I'm bad, I'm better :D

Holy crap, that hussy is right!

Ceiling Cat... Horny God... Jeebus... have mercy! If you're unable to send a better job my way so I can escape the ~~drudgery~~ ~~misery~~ HELL of the office, I think that it's perfectly acceptable to ask that the opportunity for a regular seeing-to comes my way. Without me arriving there all geared up to do the dirty but getting no answer because my mattress-mambo partner has apparently fallen asleep.

Your friend, Mich.

Amen.

DJ Mich's Playlist - Songs 22-25

2010-09-07T19:55:00.000+01:00

Happy 150th blog post to me... I think.

It was a high counsel that I once heard given to a young person, "Always do what you are afraid to do."
Ralph Waldo Emerson

Half of the failures in life come from pulling one's horse when he is leaping.
Thomas Hood

Life is like a game of cards. The hand that is dealt you represents determinism; the way you play it is free will.
Jawaharal Nehru

When it is dark enough, you can see the stars.
Persian Proverb

Queen - Don't Stop Me Now

"I'm a rocket ship on my way to Mars
on a collision course
I am a satellite, I'm out of control
I am a sex machine ready to reload
Like an atom bomb about to oh oh oh oh oh explode"

Jimmy Eat World - The Middle

"It just takes some time
little girl you're in the middle of the ride
everything, everything will be just fine
everything, everything will be alright"

Dropkick Murphys - The Gauntlet

"Do you think we're gonna make it?
I don't know, unless we try
You could sit here scared to move
or we can take them by surprise
It's submission that they want
it's surrender that they need
When we're doing it their way
their aims will be achieved"

I just wanna lie here

2010-09-06T22:20:00.001+01:00

drinking: oh dear God, no... after the weekend bender there I really have to stay off the booze for awhile. To say I was a bit delicate this morning would be an understatement.
listening to: Scarling. - The Last Day I Was Happy
choice lyrics: "I'm in a perfume heaven with a cement sky / I wanna rip her head off and I don't know why"

After the slight drama yesterday, I'm now 100% sober and about 60% calmer.

And still most definitely looking for distractions. And a different job.

Universe... can you please look after my friends and family, and me as well? I think we deserve some happy, carefree times. Cheers.

one more test, just how much can I take

2010-09-04T14:06:00.002+01:00

drinking: I shall be boozing soon, thankfully.
listening to: Foo Fighters - The One
choice lyrics: "You're not the one but you're the only one / who can make me feel like this / You're not the one but you're the only one / who can make me feel like shit / Something never meant to be / everything you meant to me / Wake me when this punishment is done"

Well for one thing, I've decided that I definitely, DEFINITELY hate going to sleep sober (as opposed to going to sleep drunk, or simply passing out) - I can't stand the dreams I have. I know, they're just dreams, and I'll admit that last night / this morning's dream was no way near as fucked up as one of the last ones I had that freaked me out. However, my dreams are pretty vivid and lengthy - and I've never been able to do that lucid dreaming thing, where you KNOW you're dreaming so you manage to control and change what happens.

I have not seen the Bad Boy since last Monday - I have been trying to keep my mind off him, so apparently my brain decided to chuck him into my dream, along with a very lengthy makeout session between the pair of us.

Fuck you, brain. Fuck you. I'm meeting Da' and the lovely D (and hopefully Miss P) soon, and we shall drink and laugh and be merry. And I shall get my revenge by destroying you one cell at a time with every sip of alcohol I have later. Bastard.

Click to enlarge. Nemi is a underrated role model.

No more apologies

2010-09-02T22:06:00.007+01:00

drinking: Glen's vodka and Diet Irn Bru. I'm a patriot, me.
listening to: The Smiths - What Difference Does It Make?
choice lyrics: "Oh, the devil will find work for idle hands to do / I stole and then I lied, just because you asked me to"

Today's lessons / realisations:

Buying 8 litres of Irn Bru just to get a free Irn Bru towel, and then carrying it half a mile home proves I'm patriotic.

Being back in work after 3 days off sick just isn't fun. Especially when the email server has changed and there are no filters set for emails to go into their wee designated folders - it's just confusing. Fuck you, Gmail!

While alcohol does not solve one's problems, it does make you temporarily forget about them and sing along merrily to whatever's on 'random' on your music player.

Finding a photo of myself to accompany a job application where I don't look drunk is a damn sight harder than initally thought.

Posing for 'I'm professional and stuff, HIRE ME!' self-portraits while drinking but trying to look sober isn't actually too difficult [she says now, when in the harsh light of day the results may suggest otherwise].

Whilst reviewing the aforementioned photos, I've seen that apparently, I might have dimples? I know, I know... I'm 25 and I've never bloody realised. Maybe it's because in photos I'm either slightly smirkling or grinning maniacally - never that inbetween 'honestly, oshiffer, I've only had a couple of ales' smile - which could be why I've never noticed.

If the stunning and inspirational Kirsty can move all the way to South Africa for work, then why in the hell shouldn't I apply for jobs outside of Glasgow?
Yes, my nearest and dearest are here - and they truly are the people I love the most and would kill for (Miss P and Steph - I *am* including you both here!) - but I don't really have anything tying me down or keeping me here (umm... a job I enjoy apart from a boss who sometimes looks at me like I'm shit on her shoe; a flatmate who I love to bits and who invited me to Download, brings me leftover food from her work, and let me get ridiculously wasted with her brother; I'm not in a relationship but have a friend I was / am occasionally sleeping with that I have weird feelings for; and as for roller derby... well, I'm out 'till January at least - until I fix this mental funk I'm in).

Okay, after half a bottle of vodka, a load of Milky Way Magic Stars, and a few Laughing Cow cheese triangles, I think I'm in the ideal state to apply for this job. I'm even going to include TWO photos of me - one with hair in a ponytail and one with hair down, just so they get a better idea of the 'drunk me pretending to be sober'. AND I'm also going to say 'yes, my hair IS purple-ish... but considering the fact that I'm willing to relocate x-amount of miles, you can be assured that I will dye my hair a conventional colour to get this job'.

If I don't get an invite to an interview, then they are clearly fuckwits.

Here we go again...

2010-09-01T21:02:00.000+01:00

drinking: I bloody need it. 2nd bottle of my birthday wine, the one my Uncle assured me was one of his favourites and 'it never touches the sides'. How's that for a swally?
listening to: Everclear - Here We Go Again
choice lyrics: "I know you like the way I rock / sometimes I just need to drown out all that bad talk / Yeah, I could not care less what your friends say / someone's always talkin' shit about the old days"

Okay, my 'distract thyself' plan is not working. Admittedly, this is probably because I - in my infinite wisdom - decided to start using (carrying / working with) crystals and gemstones again. This, in itself, is not the foolish part. No. The daft bit is where I decided that as I was trying to start afresh with things, I'd use a wee stone called Malachite - also known as 'the stone of transformation'. Well, I'm hoping to have a new job soon, start afresh, be happy again - that transformation enough?

However, it's advised that you use something like Rose Quartz along with it to 'soften' the effects, because:

"[It is] an exceptionally powerful emotional purger, malachite draws out supressed feelings. However you must be prepared to deal with whatever it brings to the surface! Keep some Snow Quartz or Rose Quartz nearby when working with this stone & they will help to dissipate or soften any emotions that malachite may highlight."

Ahh fuck. Even though I've been keeping Rose Quartz right beside the Malachite - softening the blow or not - I obviously didn't think that one through. So, far from keeping my mind occupied with other things since Monday, I've pretty much been tormenting myself.

NOT COOL.

So much so, by 11am I was seriously considering applying for a live-in job as a bartender in a hotel in the Highlands. Seriously. For real. In the middle of fecking nowhere. No local pub to nip along to for a cheeky pint. No clubs. No nothing. (And I doubt that there'd be much in the way of candidates for discreet inny-outy shenanigans - and I get frustrated after a week without a shag, so how would I last for x-amount of months?!). I very nearly bloody applied until my flatmate talked me out of it (I love that girl).

I know, I know... it's just like last year when I nearly took the job on the army base in Afghanistan - it's like I'm trying to run away from my problems, which I shouldn't do.

I also shouldn't try to drink away my problems, but y'know what - I don't care.

My God is a Horny God

2010-08-31T19:04:00.000+01:00

drinking: no, actually... and I do HAVE wine, I just don't feel like it... *feels forehead for fever*
listening to: Juliana Hatfield - Witches' Song (Marianne Faithfull cover)
choice lyrics: "Sister, we are waiting / come to meet and chant / Fly fast through the airwaves / meet with pride and truth"

While trying to work out if / how I should approach the Tattooed Ex with my little idea, I thought that another method of distraction would be to throw myself back into spirituality. Substituting sex for religion? Yeah, I'm not really buying it either. Although it won't be a complete replacement, y'know? Just something to take my mind off things / people - and I've been meaning to get back to studying for awhile, so... we'll see.

Because I thought it would be good to be a bit more self-aware of my habits or traits, I started off by re-familiarising myself with what my starsign means (and not just from a sexual point of view), and a couple of parts in particular stood out :

"... Leo simply pursues what they want with no mind for the consequences..."

Ummm... yeah, I've done that.

"The mode of a Leo is fixed, which means that you are passive in your need for admiration, expecting others to naturally notice and approach you."

I'd also agree with this. I'm not particularly extroverted (and do have severe cases of social awkwardness), but if people approach me first then I'll happily chat away to them. Me trying to break the ice first? Nuh-uh, not unless I'm feeling relaxed and am having a particularly good day. Even if I see people I know - unless they're a particularly good friend of mine, I won't approach them to say hi. I'd rather they come to me, otherwise I feel like I'm intruding or worry that they may not want to talk to me (which they, in turn, could perceive as me being an ignorant bitch. Oh dear).

Next thing I did was reacquaint myself with Numerology - it's not really something I would live by, but I think it can be useful to have an example of what something or someone could be like so you can watch out for patterns of behaviour.

The easiest thing that anyone can do with Numerology is finding out your birth number. To do this, just add together each digit in your date of birth - so mine is 21st August 1985: 2 + 1 + 0 + 8 + 1 + 9 + 8 + 5 = 34
and then you keep adding the totals together until you're left with a single digit: 34 = 3 + 4 = 7.

I won't bore you with the details of what my birth number means (a full explanation of how you can work out your own numbers and their meanings can be found on this great website called Controverscial), but once again there were a couple of parts that I couldn't really dismiss:

"They are naturally fond of the mysterious and as a result may become moody and depressed."

Regarding the fondness for the mysterious, I wanted to be a parapsychologist when I was younger, and I don't believe that ghosts exist - I KNOW they exist. And the moody and depressed thing, I can't really disagree with.

"As a birth number, the number 7 denotes a scholarly, poetic nature, often inclined toward the fanciful, though people with this number are analytical as well."

I do love surfing on Wikipedia - if only I could absorb everything I read, though! And I do get a bit carried away with ideas at times. And I probably am quite analytical... okay, I'm VERY analytical - again, patience personified herself Miss P has to put up with me asking for her thoughts on random things (why did he ask me this? Why did she tell me that? etc.).

What I've always found amusing is that even though I was born 9 days late (I was due on the 12th), I still ended up with the same starsign. And after doing this today, I've again realised that even if I was born on my due date, I was still going to have the same birth number. It probably doesn't mean anything, but I'm not really one for coincidences. Clearly I was meant to be a moody, randy girl!

Ahh times like this I wish I didn't live in the City Centre... I need some leafy quiet space I can quickly and easily retreat to, so my inner hippy may be appeased.

Anyone else feeling particularly spiritual or connected with nature? Or is it just me? lol